westside adventure

i love my roommate. i know i gush about him all the time but he really is the best. as tempting as it is however i am not allowed to pimp him out over this blog. sorry boys.

anyway, so yesterday i was feeling super crabby and cabin fevery because i have been sick with this weird virus that gave me fevers and "temporary arthritis" of the knees. temporary arthritis. i have never heard of this before but apparently it is something you can get with viruses. yes, i am officially a grandma. so i was really ornery because i had been sitting around the house for days watching way too much shitty tv and i was starting to lose my ability to socially interact in a normal way.

brian saw only one solution to this problem... let me loose on the westside. he grew up in... western hills? cheviot? i don't really know. somewhere far. so into the car we went to check out the one (that we know of) japanese restaurant on the westside, sakura.

on the drive i started dreaming about ramen and tempura and bento boxes. brian had never heard of a bento box before so i got him all fired up about it. well then we pull into the parking lot and i realized that maybe my dream was going to remain a dream. "are you sure we're in the right place?" i asked. "yes," said brian. "i told you it was in a hotel."

yes, this is what it really looked like

brian had told me that he used to work at sakura when it was another restaurant back in high school and he was excited to see how it looked now. well it turns out nothing had changed since 2000, or since 1978 for that matter.

damn, i forgot my quaaludes

"we can go somewhere else if you want," said brian. "no," i said, "it's cool. we're here now. let's see what this is all about." i snapped photos of people in cowboy hats while we waited for a table.

brian comes face to face with what could have been his destiny

when we sat down and looked at the menu i got confused. "where are the bento boxes?" i wondered. then it dawned on me. there were no bento boxes. this was some benihana spinoff. we asked for a sushi menu and after giving us a crazy look and announcing that she had a "pen fetish," our waitress wandered off, never to return.

this is the actual menu. those are the actual prices. also, is it just me or is this the first time chateaubriand has appeared on a menu since 1978?

another waitress, who was actually japanese, brought us sushi menus. i had gotten all fired up about drinking mai tais and living it up 70s style but after facing some definitively non-70s prices, we ended up just sticking to water. long wait times were not a problem however because there was lots of great people watching to be had.

dude: so do you know why these people are so skinny?

girl: no, why?

dude: because they eat rice with those sticks and they can only pick it up a little bit at a time and they get tired so they never eat that much.

girl: ohhh.

we did finally get our sushi and it was ok. i give them points for presentation because it did look pretty cool. however the quality of the fish was mediocre... it's not that it had gone bad, it was just flavorless. and almost every sushi option involved a generous dousing of mayo, or something cooked, neither of which are my preferred sushi roll preparations.

pretty...

...but not that good

finally we got our bill and got the hell out of there. we paid $50 including tax and tip which i thought was a lot. i know i am probably preaching to the choir here, but for god's sake do not drive a half hour into the west side to try to get good sushi. for the people watching however, it is definitely worth it.

people watching aside, i needed some kind of gustatory redemption so i asked for my westside guide to take me to one of those west side whippy dip places i keep hearing about. brian knew just the place... zip dip. he made me branch out from my usual boring twist cone so i got a butterscotch sundae and it was delicious.

confucius say... when on the westside, eat as the westsiders eat

i want blue!!!

i want some creamy whip in my mouth!!!

every time i go to the west side i feel like i am in some crazy bizarro sequel to napoleon dynamite where everyone is kind of living in a different time, and yet there is still internet and energy drinks and cell phones. i love it though and a trip to the west side is always the perfect distraction from whatever normal everyday problems i might be having. thanks brian!

cincinnati gelato drama!

as many readers know by now i am a huge fan of dojo gelato. i think it is the best gelato i have had outside of italy. and i have tried many excellent gelatos in places like new york, miami, chicago, san francisco, etc. very food minded places. i just love dojo the best.

well it seems that madisono's is kind of jealous of the success dojo has had. if you ever go to the madison's store in findlay market, you will see a sign in the window advertising how their gelato is only $2, not $3.75 like dojo's. they don't say "like dojo's" but it is implied.

so today i got this press release from madisono's advertising how they have honey lavender gelato which they are going to be serving at the flower show. i remembered honey lavender as a flavor that dojo had before. i checked their blog and in fact they did have it back in december, and maybe other times too but i am too lazy to look back any further.

so then i searched the madisono's blog (because he lists his new flavors there as he comes up with them) and found no mention of honey lavender. hmmm... so where did they get that flavor idea? i don't know but i am definitely sensing some drama here. scandalous!

the ohio state fair in pictures + super exciting bonus!

whenever alex and lina come to visit me, i know we are going to be doing some crazy shit. they are native new yorkers and enjoy visiting cincinnati in order to "see the midwest." the thing is, their idea of what that means is totally hilarious. the last time they came to visit me, their top sightseeing destinations were a flea market and a megachurch. this time? the ohio state fair. i'm serious. they planned their visit around the dates of the fair.

who's ready for some culture shock?

fortunately the fair was pretty much everything they were hoping for and more: lots of good people watching, some weird spectacles such as the freak show and the butter cow, and more fried food than you could possibly imagine. i'll admit it, even a seasoned midwesterner like me was totally in shock at the array of heart attack inducing menu options. so here you have our trip to the state fair in pictures:

i'm watching ewe

president, young mullets of america club

which one of these people is not from ohio?

yum, fettucine alfredo that has been sitting out in 90 degree heat all day!

i took a picture of this because i figured nobody would believe me otherwise

file this one under "looked better than they tasted." i don't know why we thought chicago dogs at a state fair would be good.

nice to meat you

i'm feeling a little horse (sorry but i can't resist these stupid puns)

based on my scientific calculations, fair food is 83% more likely to be served on a stick than any other food

don't give me that look, lardass... you are the one ordering the deep fried bacon cheddar mashed potatoes on a stick, not me

liz: (loud voice) hey lina look, it's little chicken nuggets!

random kid: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! mommyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

lina: haha, gross. you are going to hell, liz.

alex wouldn't admit it but i know he secretly wanted a "mexican princess" t-shirt

i should submit this photo to this is why you're fat

lauren and the other cincinnati rollergirls were kicking ass as usual

death trap

liz: oooh, let's play spot the pedophile!

lina: oh my god liz, if you put these pictures on the internet you are going to get sued.

mmmm, veal...

the famous, world renowned butter cow

ok seriously, what the fuck

after some cold, unsatisfying funnel cake we decided to get the hell out of there and eat something truly delicious

it was so hot and gross out that we actually did not even eat much of the food. and we felt like we needed a reward for putting up with all of the weirdness on display. we were in columbus so there was really only one answer: jeni's.

check out that flavor selection

if you haven't had jeni's ice cream, you haven't lived. i know i just sat here and raved about dojo gelato a few days ago but seriously, jeni's is amazing too. i honestly can't say which one is better, i love them both.

i just totally love jeni's

as it turns out, michael at dojo shares my love. he told me their french caramel flavor is his "homage to jeni's." jeni's does a salted caramel ice cream that is really unique and tasty, it's the whole salty-sweet flavor combination. personally my favorite jeni's flavor is the cherry lambic sorbet, but you really can't go wrong with any flavor they make.

they were happy to learn that not everything we eat in ohio is deep fried

alex and lina loved jeni's and we were all really happy to escape from the heat and mobs of the fair with some cool, delicious ice cream in a temperature controlled environment. after that we stopped at the jeffersonville outlets so that alex and lina could do what they do best... buy shit. we worked up an appetite again and arrived back in cincinnati just in time for a late dinner of half off sushi at dancing wasabi. (fyi: they do half off on wednesday and thursday nights, and also from 10 pm - 2 am on friday and saturday).

i am totally just putting this picture up to harass drew

dojo gelato

anyone who has read the profile sidebar over on your right knows that i am not a big fan of graeter's. it's ok, but it's definitely not the best ice cream out there. readers, you will be most happy to know, the best ice cream out there (well other than jeni's maybe) has landed in our fair city. yes, that's right... dojo gelato at findlay market is amazing.

this place will change your life and your belt size

i had been hearing tons of good things about this place and finally got the chance to stop by over the weekend. fortunately, maggie actually knows michael and kimberly, the owners, so she introduced me and holly to them. actual conversation:

maggie: hey guys, these are my friends liz and holly.
liz: hi! this gelato is awesome. i'm going to write about you guys on my blog.
michael: wait, what is your blog?
liz: get in mah belly.
michael: what!!! we have heard of you! kimberly, this is get in mah belly!
liz: what!!! really??? awesome!!! i love you guys. this is the best gelato ever!!!
(edited: ensuing 20 minute gelato love fest)

it's painful to have to choose just one (or two) (or three) (or four)

michael is awesome and totally knows his gelato. i feel like i have some gelato street cred because i spent a summer in college studying abroad in florence. and by "studying abroad" i mean drinking coffee, partying, and eating gelato. i ate a shit ton of gelato. and this is the real thing.

michael spent years studying gelato (rumor has it he even went to ice cream school) in new york and italy and met stefano from milano, who is from what i understand a gelato miracle worker who taught michael everything he knows. sorry if i am messing up some details here... while i was trying to listen to the story i was also eating the gelato so my senses and powers of observation were totally out of whack.

your tour guides on your journey through awesome gelato land

back to the gelato. it is perfect. soft, creamy, almost unbelievably rich. the flavors are amazing. i chose vietnamese coffee and coconut, and both flavors were wonderful. i also tried a few others (blackberry sorbetto, sweet cream with brownies, french caramel, hazelnut...) and each one was a revelation. it's like they took something delicious, and then made something even better out of it.

stop licking your computer screen, that's creepy

true story from kimberly: a guy came in last week and saw that they had vietnamese coffee. "whatever," he scoffed. "i am a connoisseur of vietnamese coffee. it can't be that good." then he tasted it. he ordered two pints immediately to take to dinner at a vietnamese friend's house that night.

do not, however, get too attached to the mind blowingly awesome flavors i am describing to you here, because the flavors are constantly changing. word on the street is that there was bacon gelato ("porkopolis") last week. michael is constantly experimenting and perfecting new flavors.

short stature is no obstacle to enjoying dojo gelato

as if all that were not enough, dojo has a blog. who can argue with a gelato blog? not this blogging gelato freak.

since i have written this super gushy love fest post about dojo, i am going to make a public request to michael: what about panna con amarene? it is my most absolute favorite gelato flavor in the whole world. if you guys could create it for me in cincinnati, i think i would shit myself and die of happiness. in that order. but even if you don't make it i will still love your gelato, i promise.

update: i just read the dojo blog and learned that dojo is actually already doing panna con amarene. i think i have died and gone to gelato heaven. i have literally been fantasizing about eating this gelato flavor again for over nine years now. thank you michael and kimberly!

we ran into steve and the other maggie after we had our gelato. "are you guys getting gelato?" i asked. "i don't think so, not really planning on it, blah blah blah," they said. i practically dragged them to dojo and left them in the capable hands of michael and kimberly. they were in gelato heaven. (note: i told maggie to "look excited" for this picture, but it is also very possible that she could have been having a gelato induced seizure of joy.)

readers, i know i have been raving about places a lot lately but i am serious, dojo gelato is amazing. get your ass to dojo and eat this ice cream as soon as you possibly can. and then send your friends. and then go back. and then write about it on your respective blogs, or facebook pages, or prison cell walls, or whatever. this place is a treasure and we have support it. it's one of my absolute favorite new places in cincinnati in a very long time.

the top 5 foods i ate in new orleans

well i am back. i just spent the past week in new orleans volunteering with give back beyond. me and my 120 some new best friends were working with habitat for humanity to build houses. it was a crazy, unforgettable experience which i am still very much in the process of recovering from (i am exhausted, sore, dehydrated, and literally have no voice).

my group on the last day at our site

new orleans is a city that definitely does not take itself too seriously, but damn it do they know how to eat. my one regret is that i did not spend enough time exploring the city's culinary treasures. there were all these group events where the food just kind of ended up being average, and during the day we had to just eat boxed lunches at the work site. so i had a very small window of eating opportunities. i tried to make the best of them. so here we have...

the top 5 things i ate in new orleans:

5. poboys from mother's. i ordered the ralphie which has ham, roast beef, cheese, and that roast beef bits thing ("debris") on top. this was ok but not amazing. also, i'm sorry but they do not have the world's best baked ham. not even close (hello, honeybaked?). if you go, get the shrimp poboy. i tasted that and it was a million times better than this. really an awesome sandwich.

4. chargrilled oysters from acme oyster house. hot, buttery, parmesan-y... yum. they give you bread to soak up the rich delicous juices with. a top notch cooked oyster experience. you will probably crave these in your sleep.

3. beignets from cafe du monde. now i am really not even a sweets person but these had me at hello. they are only good hot though so be warned. they are the perfect chewiness and not at all greasy. and all the sweetness comes from the powdered sugar so you can modify them to your own taste. if you love fried dough (and let's face it, if you don't then there is something wrong with you), you will love these.

2. shrimp boil at the blue angel lounge (they don't have a website). this was without question the freshest, most delicious shrimp i have ever tasted in my entire life. they literally caught the shrimp and immediately boiled it up. it was seasoned perfectly and cooked just enough. the potatoes, corn, and onions were amazing and the lemon and whole heads of garlic put it over the edge. as for the andouille sausage, i am currently in a state of full on denial over the fact that i do not have access to it in cincinnati... it was ridiculously good. please note that this is just one of four tables full of shrimp prepared for our group. i ate so much that i literally got drunk off of shrimp. i already love shrimp and this was seriously amazing beyond my wildest dreams.

1. raw oysters, again from acme oyster house. ok so i did not like raw oysters before this trip. i had tried them before in new york and thought they were chewy and seaish. everyone told me that they were just bad ones and if i had good ones i would like them. seeing as how so many reputable food lovers that i know are obsessed with raw oysters, i knew there had to be something to it so i made it my personal food goal to learn to like them on my trip. readers, i succeeded. avani is a seasoned oyster lover and did her homework to find us what i am absolutely certain are some of the best raw oysters on the planet. i was so obsessed with these oysters after i had them on thursday that i had to go back and have them again, for breakfast, on saturday. the oysters were phenomenal and with the super spicy homemade horseradish it was a culinary experience unlike anything i have ever had. the juice dripping down my face, the feel of the shell resting against my teeth, the tender juiciness of the oyster in my mouth, and the hot bite of horseradish and lemon on my tongue... unreal. i didn't even know food could be this good. these oysters are without question one of the best things i have ever eaten in my life.

honorable mention: bloody marys, yet again from acme oyster. my other food goal for the trip was to learn to like bloody marys. i had one in chicago once that made me want to throw up and swore them off after that. but what goes better with oysters than tomato juice and vodka with a bunch of pickled shit in it? nothing i tell you, absolutely nothing.

cheers, new orleans. i will be back.