how to move to a new city as an adult

by moving as an adult, i mean moving when you are moving for a job rather than to go to school.  or i guess you could be going to school but not living on campus.  i'm talking about when you are moving somewhere on your own, as an independent person, and have no set structure in place to set up a social and personal life for yourself the way a full time school setting would be able to give you.

here is the view from my new house

when i first moved to cincinnati, i had a hard time for years with developing a good solid friend group.  part of my problem was that just when i would develop a good friendship with someone, they would move away.  i also blamed cincinnati's insularity i'm sure more than i should have.  here and here and i'm sure all over that blog and this blog if you look back far enough are my thoughts from back then if you want more on that.

moving to lansing, and probably just generally being 8 years older now, has drastically changed my opinion of what it means to be a new adult person in a new city, and what your expectations should be in that position, and what your responsibilities are to yourself and your new city.

rule number 1: everybody is insular (everywhere)

yes, cincinnati was insular.  by insular i mean they liked who they already knew, and people would say things like "i don't need any new friends" or "i have been friends with the same people since high school."  but i realize now that everybody everywhere is like that.  even in new york, do you know what my friends there do, who are not from there?  they hang out at the same bars with the same people that they have been hanging out at and with since 2002.  i am not saying that is a good thing or a bad thing.  it is just what they and everybody do.

the difference between bigger cities and places like cincinnati where most people either never leave or leave and then come back to is that in bigger cities you have a lot more people who understand what it's like for you as a new person to the city, and may make more of an effort to reach out to you.  but at the end of the day the people who have been there longer than you are going to have established social connections that it's going to take you a while to become a part of.

rule number 2: it's nobody's job to be your friend

i was pretty disgruntled for a while when i first moved to cincinnati because i really liked my work friends and we would all hang out and do lunch and happy hours and stuff but then once the weekend rolled around, nobody invited me out.  a holiday with no family around?  nobody thought to invite me to join them.  i was like "aren't these people my friends?" and i would wallow in my misery and read and write lots of self pitying blog posts about how making friends as an adult was so hard.

what i realize now is that it is on me to make friends with people and not the other way around.  if you want more friends you have to be a friend.  invite people over and make them hang out with you as much as you need to.  and if you do that over and over and they never reciprocate, eventually you have to call it a wash and look elsewhere because the fact is that if they really liked you, they would start including you.  you have to do the work though.  that's just the way it is.

rule number 3: you have to join or start a shit ton of groups, even if it is dumb stuff that in your normal life you would totally never do

i think the only new group i joined for years in cincinnati was my book club which i found on craigslist, and which in the end turned out to be the source of some really wonderful friendships (and some bat shit crazies who were good gossip fodder).  but it was not enough.  i just realized that i didn't join my running group until over 3 years of living in cincinnati, and what the hell was i waiting on?  i think i was probably waiting on having someone to do it with.

here is a delicious meal i cooked for myself with the
salt of my lonely friendless tears

well fuck that.  when you are new in a place you need to put yourself out there in every way imaginable.  so far after 2 months in lansing i have joined all of the following: a running group, a young professionals networking group (yes this sounds cheesy but fuck it, i need to meet people), a local inn of courts, a meetup group for foodies which seems to fill up every event before i can get around to RSVPing, a meditation group that i keep forgetting to go to, a new book club that i started, and i have started up this blog again.  i started reaching out to people in several of these groups before i even got to town and was able to have coffee with a few people right when i first got here.

you are not going to find great awesome new friends in a lot of the groups you join but what i have learned is that it's a numbers game.  the more things you do, the more you increase the odds that you will meet someone cool somewhere.  so get your ass to that dungeons and dragons meetup.

rule number 3.5: the internet is your friend

there is meetup.com and shit for a reason and that reason is because it is hard to meet people as an adult. anybody who is going to judge you for looking for friends online is someone who you are better off being rejected by anyway.

rule number 4: throw all shame/self-doubt/inhibitions out the window and make people be friends with you

you don't want to approach people to be your friend because you think it will make you look lame or pathetic or friendless?  well guess what, you are lame and pathetic and friendless so get over it.  the only way to fix it is to force yourself to approach people.

are you at the bar and there is someone cool there of your gender who you want to talk to, but you are afraid they will think you are hitting on them?  who gives a fuck?  if they get weirded out then you will have dodged the bullet of befriending a homophobe.

do you want to start some type of club or group but think posting on craigslist is scary?  get with it, your email address will be hidden and it's a lot safer statistically than walking out your front door after 10 pm.  actually i have no idea because i just made that statistic up but seriously, some of my best friends are from craigslist and i have been an avid craigslister since 2003 and i haven't been raped or murdered yet.

did you meet someone who seemed cool who would have lived upstairs from you while you were looking for apartments, and do you remember the address of the apartment they lived in, and do you want to hang out with them?  send them a letter!  they'll definitely write back and want to be friends and not think you are a crazy stalker.  to be honest this is not true, i tried this and the girl never wrote back.  but it's no skin off my nose.  who cares if someone i will never see again thinks i'm weird?  and who knows, maybe her grandma died or something and maybe one day she will write me back.

rule number 5: don't move somewhere where you literally know no one

at 33, i'm old enough where i think it's just crazy to do that.  i know enough people in enough places that i can pick from.  at least i have a couple of good friends and a few acquaintances here in lansing so i wasn't wallowing in utter solitary misery at first.  i really can't imagine starting up totally from scratch.  but if you have to then take these other tips and suck it up.

rule number 6: meditate

here is an inspiring photo of the sun rising
 on your exciting new social life

i'm for real.  meditation will make you realize that a) being alone is not so bad and b) you have a lot of other fucked up shit to deal with in your head so that maybe this transition/solitary time is going to be good for you.

rule number 7: take drugs if necessary

are you like super depressed and unable to leave home because you are so lonely and/or anxious?  get your ass on some prozac or xanax or lorazepam or whatever the hell you need and keep it moving.  i mean it, get over your shit however you need to.  nobody is going to want to make friends with debbie downer and then you are going to be all in this vicious cycle of like "i can't make friends because i'm depressed and i'm depressed because i can't make friends."  i guarantee you that you like at least one of your friends solely because they are properly medicated and you don't even know it.

rule number 8: force yourself to go out at least once a week

so ok if you are REALLY wallowing in your misery and depression, and you are not all zen about being new to a place like granny here is, you need to make your ass go out and do shit.  going to a movie by yourself is actually really fun, in fact i prefer it because you can sit wherever you want and nobody will try to talk to you in the middle of it or eat your popcorn.  going out to eat by yourself is also super fun because you can stare at people and facebook the whole time and again, nobody will try to get you to share shit.  i am not really into the whole going to bars alone thing because i always feel like that is an invitation to get raped and disemboweled in an alley somewhere, or at a minimum get stalked by some weirdo.  i do like going to coffee shops and reading and listening to people's weird ass coffee shop conversations though.

you need to do these things and get yourself out otherwise you are going to become some weird ass recluse, and also you need to have something to talk about for when you do actually end up meeting people.  nobody wants to hear about how you sit around and watch the harry potter movies on repeat every weekend.  trust me.  i know.

deep thoughts as i leave cincinnati

i have a new job in michigan that i am super excited about.  i'm moving there on monday.  good news for reader(s?): i plan to start blogging again to shake up the sleepy lansing dining scene which appears to have a total lack of food bloggers.  i am also very excited to be back in the land of the spartans and be able to go to msu basketball and football games whenever i want and hang out with all my nut bag loved ones in michigan.

i have been reflecting a lot on my time in cincinnati (seven and a half years).  i will miss it so much, even though i am really looking forward to being back in michigan.  in honor of the transition, here are 20 things i learned while living in cincinnati.  this is by no means an exhaustive list, just things that seemed relevant to me at the moment i was writing this post.

1. the people you think are your friends might not be your friends, and the people you think aren't your friends might be your friends.  the best way to know which is which is to figure out what your objective definition of friendship is and then apply the definition to every friendship in your life and see which ones pass the test.  you will probably be surprised at the results.

2. if a west sider says you are like a west sider, this is the highest compliment they could possibly give you.

3. most people are only in your life for a limited period of time, and most friends do not last forever, and this is a fine and good thing as long as you are continually bringing new people into your life.

3a. (for liz and jenny) you can never have enough friends!

4. there is maybe nothing that says more about a person's character than how they treat the people who are below them on the totem pole in any given situation (ie: assistants, children, secretaries, customer service representatives, wait staff, homeless people, etc.)

5. most lawyers are assholes.  the ones who aren't are truly quality human beings.

6. religion is not that scary after all, although i still don't want it for myself.

7. children are not that scary after all, although i still don't want them for myself.

8. the nonprofit world is just as fucked up as the for profit world, if not more so.

9. having a lot of money, even for just a short period of time, is really fucking fun.

10. the only way to move past rock bottom is to hit rock bottom.

11. the most important thing you can do for yourself as a person is to take full, complete, and total responsibility for your own life and your own happiness.

12. the second most important thing you can do for yourself as a person is to set boundaries and enforce them ruthlessly.

13. who people are is more important than what they believe, which is actually not really that important at all.

14. it is just a lot less stressful to be ok with being wrong than to not be ok with being wrong.  bonus: people will like you more if you are ok with being wrong.

15. performing on a stage in front of an audience is amazing and probably my life calling.

16. nobody, and i mean absolutely nobody, is thinking about anything other than themselves.  i don't mean this in a judgmental way.  i am writing this post and all i am thinking about is myself.  what i mean is that when you think you sound stupid or look ugly or that people are judging you, you are 100% across the board wrong.  everyone else is only thinking about themselves.  they do not give a shit about you.  again, this isn't a bad thing (or a good thing).  it's just a fact, and the sooner you accept it the better your life will be.

17. drugs and therapy is the solution to everything, including world peace.

18. the more things you like, the more fun you will have.  the more things you don't like, the less fun you will have.  so in order to have the most fun, you should try to like as many things as possible and dislike as few things as possible.

19. being nice will get you a hundred times further in life than being an asshole in pretty much any situation.  and in the few situations that it won't, it's probably just not worth it once you do the cost benefit analysis of getting what you want vs. the risk to your mental and emotional health.  this rule does not apply to situations in which your values or civil rights are at risk.  or actually it does, because those are the situations in which the cost to your mental and emotional health would be too great.

20. doing what you think is right is more important than doing what you think will make people like you.  and doing what you think will make people like you will only make people hate you. doing what you think is right will also make people hate you, but at least you will not hate you.

peace out, cinci!  xoxo, mark and liz

those are my final deep thoughts for you, cincinnati.  good luck with the streetcar!

welcome to cincinnati, where it's apparently not ok to be crippled

i just read this article in the enquirer and it fucking pissed me off.  in case you are too lazy to click the link, i will sum it up for you.  ally bruener is a 23 year old comedian with muscular dystrophy.  i did not know she existed until five minutes ago and have not watched any of her comedy so have no clue if she is any good or not.  one of her topics is her disability.  at a recent douche fest party in the park, ally and her friend showed up and pushed people's boundaries by getting people (who signed releases) to say, on camera, "i laughed at the crippled girl."

apparently the douche fest party in the park powers that be couldn't handle this and called in the cincinnati police to handle shit.  it's unclear from the article or from ally and her friend's accounts as to what exactly happened, probably because it was so fucked up.  the police refuse to comment.  all we know is that ally's friend has been cited for disorderly conduct for allegedly... distributing promotional materials?  using the word "crippled"?  being associated with a person with a physical disability?

striking fear into the hearts of cincinnatians and target shoppers since 2011

my own physical problems are way smaller than ally's but throughout the past nine months of having various states of broken leg, i have had my eyes opened to how shitty it feels to be completely ignored and/or laughed at TO MY FACE in public and professional settings just because i am in a wheelchair/on a knee scooter/on crutches/whatever.  i am a 31 year old loud mouthed attorney who is not used to being ignored by anyone, other than nut bag "i hate female attorneys"/"i hate younger attorneys"/"i went to elementary school with the magistrate" type opposing counsel, who are all without exception so much stupider than i am that it doesn't even bother me and in fact gives me a distinct advantage to be underestimated by them.

prior to breaking my leg, i was not ignorant to the fact that people with visible physical limitations are treated like raving morons by society.  my dad has MS and has to negotiate life in a scooter with a catheter piss bag taped to his leg, and i have been watching him get ignored or talked down to for my entire life.  but it's a whole other thing to actually experience it yourself.

i feel for ally because seriously, all i ever want to do is talk about my crippled state and my body's failings and the physical and emotional pain and suffering it causes me every single minute of every single day, and all i have is a fucking kind of still broken leg.  i can't even imagine if this was your entire life, and it wasn't just your leg.  she seems to do a lot better a job of not letting her physical limitations and appearance piss her off on a minute to minute basis than i do, which is amazing.  and if she makes people uncomfortable, that is the whole point.

i hope she sues the shit out of everyone involved and ally, if you are going to be doing any more public appearances, sign me up to get wheeled on down to meet up with you to help make closed minded people cringe (as if i needed another forum for that).

the best cincinnati fish fries

i started a fish fry quest 3 years ago and i have been addicted ever since.  cheap, tasty food + cheap beer + pretty much the best people watching ever... that is like my idea of heaven.  here are the best fish fries.  you can thank me in cash... or fish.

Church: Mary Queen of Heaven, 1150 Donaldson Rd., Erlanger, KY 41018
Beer: yes
Why you should go: the cook is the chef from Izzy’s and the food is delicious and there is every sauce imaginable and pickles and there are a shit ton of huge TVs and projectors so you can watch March Madness
Menu: http://www.mqhparish.com/Fish%20Fry/2012%20Fish%20Fry%20Menu%20for%20Web.pdf

Church: St. Paul, 7301 Dixie Highway, Florence, KY 41042
Beer: yes
Why you should go: the chef teaches at Midwest Culinary Institute and they have amazing specials... on March 2 it is whole lobster
Menu: http://www.saint-paul-school.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/2-16-12-FISH-FRY-MENU.pdf

Church: St. James White Oak, 3565 Hubble Road, Cincinnati, OH 45247
Beer: yes
Why you should go: the fish is delicious and they have amazing salted rye
Menu: http://www.stjamesfishfry.org/St._James_Fish_Fry/Home_Page.html

Non-church: American Legion Post 484, 1837 Sutton Ave., Cincinnati, OH 45237 (Mt. Washington)
Beer: yes
Why you should go: the atmosphere really more than anything...
Menu: http://www.legion484.org/Bingo.html

fish fries i haven't tried but have heard are good:

• St. Lawrence: the place in Price Hill with the bakery which is supposed to have really good breaded shrimp
• St. Teresa of Avila: also Price Hill and rumored to have good fish
• St. Joseph Academy in Walton, KY: kind of far but rumored to have the absolute best hand dipped fish
• Immaculate Heart of Mary in Burlington, KY: this is a tip from julie of wine me dine me
• Hartzell United Methodist: all you can eat for $9 in Blue Ash

al amir greek salad with grilled chicken

i know i know i just wrote a post about how i wasn't going to write about restaurants anymore and here i am writing about a restaurant.  but if you are eating lunch downtown and you are not eating the greek salad with grilled chicken at al amir, you are doing something wrong.  this is definitely my favorite salad to be eaten for lunch downtown and it is only $6.

look at all that deliciousness.  you get lots of fresh greek salad type veggies in a just-made greek dressing with lots of herbs, yummy freshly grilled (not from a freezer) chicken with a cumin rub, and then they also throw in the tzatziki just in case you are not 100% sold.

i had a gyro there once and it was pretty good, and i have heard the falafel is good, but ever since i found this salad i never order anything else.  the ambience is nothing special but the food is delicious and cheap and service is good so what else do you need?

where to go in cincinnati if you want sashimi

living in new york, home of the $12 chirashi, pretty much puts you (or me at least) off of sushi rolls for good.  i will still get them if i am at like dancing wasabi or whatever place that sells half off rolls all the time or with other people who want to share rolls.  i can eat rolls and enjoy them.  but true sushi bliss for me can only be found in straight up pieces of fresh, buttery, tender raw fish.  here are my favorite to least favorite places to go for sashimi (or chirashi if you luck out and they have it).  this is by no means an exhaustive list, i am sure there are other good sashimi options out there.  my rankings are based on the following factors: freshness + selection + good value.

1. ruthai.  this is your absolute best bet for a generous portion of fresh, varied fish.  the sashimi special is $21 and you get way more than the 12 pieces that they say you are going to get, and there is mackerel (my favorite) and tuna and white tuna and salmon and shrimp and snapper and yellowtail and octopus and the pieces are big.  plus this place is byob.  you can't lose.
2. mr. sushi.  surprisingly high quality (i don't know why i'm surprised, i guess i just figured that anything located directly next door to "bartini" was going to give me food poisoning to go with my alcohol poisoning) and the chirashi is a great deal at $17.  you can also get a sashimi platter for i think $20 but whenever i can go for chirashi i do.
3. mei.  this might be higher up in the list if it wasn't so far and if i had been there recently.  chirashi is $21 and excellent.  they just have great sushi and great everything else japanese and a great atmosphere.
4. ko sho.  i used to fear ko sho when it was in the dilapidated, deserted location downtown (how could that scary place possibly be able to store and prepare decent raw fish?) but now that they are in northside i like it.  the sushi is all really fresh and they give you a great selection, it's just a little pricy.  i think the chirashi is $23 and the sashimi platter is $27.  they do have an excellent selection of other delicious japanese treats too so if you are looking for more than just sushi this is a good choice.
5. green papaya.  this is just ok.  there is no chirashi and the sashimi deluxe is $23, and one of your 12 pieces of fish is a fucking crab stick (seriously???) and the rest is just tuna, salmon, shrimp, and yellowtail... yawn.
6. painted fish.  i have been there twice and see no reason to ever go back.  there are white people making your sushi which scares me right there, sorry to be racist about it but they are proving my stereotype right.  service is slow and one time i was there, all of the sushi (rolls) we got were made with undercooked rice.  it was impossible to enjoy.  the other time i got the chirashi and it took two hours to get it so i don't even remember if it was good or not because i was delusional from hunger.  also i feel like it was expensive but was too lightheaded to be able to remember any prices.

totally unacceptably omitted from this list: ando.  i feel certain that they have amazingly delicious sashimi but i have actually never gotten sushi there any time i have gone... i always go for one of the traditional japanese dinners and last time i was there i got the shabu shabu.  this is just wrong and i strongly urge you to try the sushi if you are there because i am sure based on the freshness of everything else i have had there, and how authentic their menu is, and how good the sushi on other people's plates looks that it is delicious.

yes i have seriously never been to: jo an.  i know.  i know.  i need to go.  but it's far.  someone please take me there.  and buy my dinner.  no stalkers need apply.  thanks.

green dog cafe

the rumors that this place is overpriced are true but it is also delicious, at least from what i tasted.   some yelp reviews claim otherwise but i didn't eat what those people ate so i can't say.  i had one of their daily specials which was carbonara type pasta with grilled shrimp and it was very delicious but at $16.50 when you are ordering at a counter, it just seems pricey.  however they do have a really good deal with the wine where you can get their bottle of the day (they have a red and a white) for $14.  last night the red was a 2008 red diamond shiraz which was surprisingly good for the price and also from washington and i am obsessed with washington wines.

the decor is a bit strange because you are sort of in this color blocky cafeteria-ish feeling place (in particular, the lighting was horrible and uneven and not intimate) but if you can get over that, i think the food is worth it and you can definitely order something cheaper than what i did.  and you will feel fine wandering in here in sweats or pajamas or whatever you want which is always a plus for me since i have a hard time remembering to brush my teeth some days.

other perks: they have a full alcohol selection including mixed drinks, they do brunch, they serve jeni's ice cream, they are very vegetarian friendly, their bread is amazing.

jean robert's table can lick my asshole

the food is ok to good depending on what you get, but there are no surprises and nothing exciting.  the atmosphere is stuffy and old.  the real reason for my vindictive desire to publicly bitch slap them is because their reservation system is a bunch of fucking bullshit.  i made a reservation on open table a few weeks ago at 6 pm.  the day of the meal, i got a voicemail saying that they have a "two hour limit" and that i "have to be done with dinner by 8:00."  of course, i canceled and went to bouquet instead, which was much more a) delicious, b) friendly, and c) worth the money.  and i stayed there for three hours.

go fuck yourselves table.  it is marginally socially acceptable (although still tacky and stingy) to tell people when they make a reservation that there is a time limit.  however, there was no notice of this policy anywhere on opentable and i received the information via a bitchy voicemail the day of my reservation.  even king of shitting on social graces gordon ramsey tells you upon reserving that you're on a deadline.  i have received no response from the restaurant to my complaint about this, so clearly not only do they not give a shit, they don't give a shit that they don't give a shit.  or something.

the most absurd part about this whole scenario is that a restaurant purportedly celebrating the culinary tradition of france (long, relaxed, drawn out meals to be enjoyed over lots of drinks and meandering conversation) is the only restaurant i am aware of in cincinnati which is not only in the business of making you eat your meal by a stopwatch but is not even willing to give you proper notice to find somewhere else to dine if you're not ok with that.

ode to picnic and pantry (apologies to pablo neruda)

and it was at that age...picnic and pantry arrived

in search of me. i don't know, i don't know where

it came from, from kitchen or a restaurant.

i don't know how or when,

no, they were not voices, they were not

words, nor silence,

but from a tavern i was summoned,

from the branches of night,

abruptly from the others,

among violent fires

or returning alone,

there i was without a meal

and it fed me.

i did not know what to say, my mouth

had no way

with names

my eyes were blind,

and something started in my stomach,

thirst or forgotten hunger pangs,

and i made my own way,

deciphering

that menu

and i tasted the first flavorful bite,

flavorful, full of substance, no

nonsense,

pure wisdom

of someone who knows everything,

and suddenly i saw

the breads

blue oven

and earthy,

salads,

palpitating plantains,

kale perforated,

riddled

with braggs, garlic and ginger,

the winding rice noodles, the roasted vegetables.

and i, infinitesimal being,

drunk with the great gastrointestinal

void,

likeness, image of

bounty,

i felt myself a pure part

of the gastronomy,

i wheeled with the jeni's,

my gut broke free on the open table.

the worst places you should never eat at in cincinnati

this post is super bitchy but then so am i.  here are some shitty places that you should avoid at all costs.  i am not even going to bother with most chains because those usually make me want to kill myself and this post would go on for days.

1. cadillac ranch

enough said.

2. tumi cafe

this place is fucking nut case land and terrible.  it's this "peruvian" place in mt. washington with a giant life-sized leprechaun sitting at a chair in the window, which right there should scare you away.  but not me.  i went in, sat down, and fucking ordered CEVICHE.  i think the mental illness vibe pervading the entire restaurant infected me.  the owner appears to be bat shit crazy.  there is weird, creepy kitsch cramming the walls (stuffed animals, painted glasses, books about jesus, etc).  there is not a peruvian to be seen.  aside from the obvious decor and mental health issues pervading the place, there is the huge sanitation/health code problem of the fact that the place does not appear to have a kitchen. all the food seems to be kept on hot plates, and i did not see anyone washing their hands or wearing gloves, EVEN WHEN PREPARING FUCKING CEVICHE, which yes, i was a lunatic to order.  the food itself is weird (hot canned chicken mixed with peas and oregano and... nacho cheese colored spicy mayo?  deep fried nuggets of... what exactly?  with more spicy mayo?) and not peruvian and really, questionable as food in general.  do not eat here.

3. shanghai mama's

this place is absolutely foul (an inside source, who i have no doubt wishes to remain anonymous and who used to be a health department restaurant inspector, told me this was the number one place he would not eat in cincinnati, except maybe washington platform).  if that was not bad enough, they appear to only have the ability to season food with one ingredient: soy sauce.  gross, bland, and possibly the most overrated crap i have ever tasted.  i hope this dump never reopens.

4. indigo

most overpriced, underwhelming, piece of crap restaurant i can think of.  like $18 or whatever for a spinach salad in a neon hell hole with decor that has not changed since 1987 with no parking and a bunch of hyde park pricks for company?  kill me.

5. andy's

i am lebanese and this is the worst lebanese food i have ever tasted and way overpriced.  it is the kind of place that people who have no idea what lebanese food is supposed to taste like would say they like so that they can seem cool to their white, suburban, applebee's loving broskys.  i have never had meat here that was not so dry that i wanted to dip it in a glass of water just in order to swallow it and nothing is seasoned even remotely sufficiently.  the labneh is pretty good though.  so i guess go there and eat that, or just don't go there.

6. camp washington chili

you know what, maybe the stuff on the menu besides the chili is ok, i don't really know.  but i know that the chili is pure hell.  i heard from a bunch of people that this was the "best" chili in cincinnati, which could only have been true if it was opposite day.  the chili tastes like nothing, the spaghetti is mushy and overcooked, and there is not enough cheese.  gross.

6. b-g restaurant

ok, nobody i know but me has ever been here anyway so it's probably not even worth bitching about, except for this.  the one and only time i ever ate there which was years ago, kieran ordered a cheeseburger and he took the top of the bun off of it to put ketchup on it and THERE WAS A DEAD FLY STUCK IN THE CHEESE.  i am going to throw up just thinking about it.  besides that, the food tasted like hell anyway.  there is no reason to ever go here.

7. grand finale

i know everyone from cincinnati loves the sunday brunch at this place because they grew up eating it or whatever but i find it mediocre, overpriced, and annoying.  everything is overcooked and swimming in oil and little children are sticking their grimy hands into the said overcooked, oil coated buffet line food.  loud, crowded, expensive, terrible food, horrible decor, and i got into a car accident once in their parking lot so i extra hate it.

8. grammer's

quit opening and closing and quit serving shitty food with no real kitchen and quit focusing your "german" menu on buffalo chicken wings and quit whining about the neighborhood and for god's sake, if you are a server and you spill an entire fucking diet coke on my body, soaking me from head to waist, i better get something other than a fucking ugly ass XL grammer's t-shirt to compensate me for my suffering.  hell.

9. lavomatic

i can't believe i forgot to include this on the original list and had to add it on because i just hate this place so much.  i have been here probably five times ("there's a new chef!"  "there's another new chef!"  "i promise, this new chef is so much better than all the other ones!") and every time, the food was completely disappointing and totally overpriced and underseasoned with the added insult of the servers acting like it was the most obnoxious thing ever that they actually had to, gasp, SERVE you.  once i got chicken here that i am not kidding you was totally raw inside, which is unforgivable.  the bar is ok i guess, but why not just go somewhere else and avoid the whole possibility of culinary trauma altogether?

the way more than top 10 best things you can eat in cincinnati

in response to lori's post on how there is nothing good to eat in cincinnati, and her constant harassment to start up my blog again, here i am (for now). my position is that the upscale food scene in cincinnati mostly sucks, other than orchids, but that there is plenty of really good cheap food around here. (side note: lori's blog is the only blog still worth reading in cincinnati, in case you were wondering).

i have always been annoyed with snobby/snobby-ish, high/high-ish priced food, even if it is actually good, because i am kind of poor and therefore always way happier when i feel like i am getting a good bang for my buck and because the people that tend to hang out at higher priced restaurants generally freak me out (of course i probably freak them out too). if i can't show up in flip flops and pay less than $15 for a meal, i'm just not going to enjoy myself as much (notable exceptions: orchids. bouley. the publican).

here is my list of the best things that you can eat in cincinnati. nothing expensive and no chains. i hate rankings so these are in no particular order.

• spit roasted chicken at floyd's. if you have to call ahead for something because they might run out at 5:30 pm on a tuesday, it's fucking good.
• goat tacos at la mexicana. what's that? you don't like goat? yes you do, you just don't know it yet.
• ban chan at asiana in west chester (no relation to the asiana in oakley). the best ban chan anywhere (sorry riverside). while you are there, get some hot and sour soup too. and by "some" i mean "a gallon."
• anything you can get your hands on at shadeau breads. whatever. it doesn't matter. grab whatever you can see, at 7 am, with coffee, and run.
• cumin lamb at sichuan bistro. you can't go wrong with anything on the chinese section of the menu here but the cumin lamb tops it all. the second best dish here is the dry sauteed green beans so if you are vegetarian (and even if you're not), get that instead. actually just get both. and get a bunch of other stuff too. just point to whatever other people are eating that looks good.
• coconut gelato at dojo. this is the only gelato flavor that i am aware of with its own fan club. michael never makes it because he claims it doesn't sell. anyone who is passing this up is going to have one more item on their list of regrets when they die.
• tagliatelle alla bolognese at nicola's. yes i know this is not a cheap restaurant but on monday nights you can get an absurd portion of the bolognese, a huge and amazing house salad, and the bread basket of your dreams (seriously) for $13 at the bar. and you don't even really have to sit at the bar because it is always full whenever i go and they just let me sit at a table. this is very possibly the best bang for your buck ever in the history of mankind.
• tzatziki from areti's gyros. it redefines tzatziki. also, it's TWO. DOLLARS.
• whatever the hell toppings you want on the mind altering sourdough crust at zz's pizza. la rosa's vs. donato's? i don't even understand the words you're saying.
• goat curry at shaan. it's not on the menu so call ahead to find out if it is on the buffet that day. you will love it because you already ate the goat tacos at la mexicana and you are now obsessed with goat.
• biscuits and gravy made by sierra. there's no more forkheartknife so good luck getting your hands on this one. trust me, i have been trying. the runner up which is actually still publicly available (almost every sunday... if you get there early enough...) is take the cake's.
• singapore rice noodles at suzie wong's. there is no legitimate explanation for how good this dish is other than that there must be crack in it.
• grilled tilapia at teranga. you don't eat seafood in cincinnati? you're scared of the west side? you don't like your dinner staring at you? get over it and go eat this.
• the getinmahbelly at tom + chee. actually there is no getinmahbelly on the menu but there really should be (are you guys reading this, tom + chee?) because i order this combination every time. sourdough bread, fresh mozzarella, tomatoes, and pesto. bliss.
• swiss raspberry or swiss strawberry sundae at aglamesis. the ice cream itself is fine but what you are really going for is the amazing rich fluffy delicious fresh whipped cream with the fruit folded right into it. holy hell.
• roast pork banh mi at pho lang thang. i am obsessed with everything on the menu but what keeps me up at night (what, no bike delivery at 3 am?) is this sandwich.
• roasted cauliflower salad at a tavola. it's not often that i find myself crapping my pants over a vegetable but there you have it. runner up: the white anchovy pizza. sometimes i fantasize about taking the entire pizza, folding it in half, and cramming the entire thing into my mouth and then just blissfully chewing for like 3 hours. as if all this were not enough, they serve the absolute best mixed drinks in cincinnati. try the ginger beer me with bourbon. you can thank me in cash via paypal.
• galbi jhim at riverside korean. a dish which got its very own whole post on this blog. enough said.

well that is all i have to say and if i get a bunch of annoying "i'm so happy you're back" and "you're so amazing" and "i love this blog" type comments i'm going to puke. but if i get any "you're stupid" and "i hate you" type comments that's going to piss me off too. you're probably better off just not commenting. happy thanksgiving bitches.

the best pizza in cincinnati is back!

any extremely dedicated stragglers who still happen to read this blog will remember how obsessed i was with pizza night (so obsessed, in fact, that i refused to even write about it until it was over. you can read about it on my forkheartknife post... scroll down a ways). i mentioned in that post that they were going to be opening a restaurant.

well the heavens have parted and the glory of heaven is shining down upon us because a tavola is (hopefully) going to actually open soon! apparently things took longer than expected (including the delivery of a specially made wood burning italian pizza oven). they are going to be in the space on vine street next to where abigail street is supposed to open.

baby jesus must really love me because i happened to run into bill on one of my obsessive forkheartknife runs recently and he invited me to come to a tasting night they were doing. the space is still under construction but they wanted to do a test run of some of their pizzas and cocktails.

i think my tastebuds must have some type of memory loss issue because DAMN that pizza was good, so fucking good, i forgot how good. that night i had the margherita, a prosciutto/smoked gouda/caraway seed miracle, bill's awesome homemade sausage, mushroom, and maybe one or two others which i am blanking on. it's like the opposite of childbirth... your body makes you forget how fucking amazing the pizza is otherwise you would be too depressed whenever you weren't eating it. all pizza is completely homemade in every possible way, with jared making the dough and sauce which are both so unbelievably good that i think there has to be some type of illegal activity involved.

as an extra treat they were also testing out their cocktail menu. sam and keller are the bartenders. sam has been traveling to the best cocktail bars in the country to get inspiration and wisdom and it shows in the drinks he was making. he makes his own elixirs... i can't think of a better word (there probably is one) but it's these mesmerizing mixes of flavors and scents in bottles that then go in your drink. he also follows a strict no added sugar policy, which i love since i can't stand sweet drinks.

this is serious, creative craft cocktail mixing that is on a level i have not seen in cincinnati. i know, you guys are going to throw your roms and your mollys at me, and i definitely respect their cocktail mixing talents. however, there is personality and art behind the drinks that will be appearing at a tavola and it is different from what anybody else in this city is doing.

as for the space, it is long and open. you can see everything that happens in the kitchen. up front will be a bar area where people can hang out, and further back the tables. there are hardwood floors, high ceilings, exposed ductwork and brick, and lots of big mirrors.

i'm very excited for a tavola to open and i just hope that you bastards don't mob the place so that i can't get a table for 2 hours. i still haven't been to senate for that very reason. hopefully this addition to the vine street restaurant strip will make everybody's life a little easier, and i will get to eat a chuck norris dog and wash it down with the wood fired pizza of my dreams.

sacred heart church ravioli dinner

i had been hearing rumors about this dinner for years but once it showed up in the saveur top 100 of 2010, i knew i had a date with destiny. after years of trying to hunt it down, beth mysteriously got a flyer in the mail and i marked my calendar. i am now on their mailing list myself because i filled out a request form. never in my life have i been more excited to get on a mailing list.

readers, i am here to tell you that it lives up to the hype. we got there at 1:00 and waited in line for an hour and magically tickets were bought and wine was opened and food arrived and we were in heaven. nobody rushes you out, regardless of the line. and if you can't wait (or if you're just really smart) you can get takeout. well actually you still have to wait for that but it is a ridiculously, wrongly good deal... 50 ravioli for $8. mamma mia!

now... the food. ignore the salad, dessert, and bread. they don't matter. what you are there for is the ravioli. and damn is it ravioli. it is homemade. it is stuffed with a delicious blend of spinach, veal, beef, and cheese (ricotta + parmesan is my best guess). and it is served with the most perfectly balanced, savory, rich, smooth, delicious sauce you have ever eaten. and if that is not enough it is topped with two of the world's most perfect meatballs. and just in case you are not in the mood for ravioli, you can get spaghetti. AND, just in case you can't pick, you can get BOTH. praise jesus!

after living most of my life in terror of organized religion, three years of eating delicious fish fries has completely broken down my fear of setting foot in a church in order to get some good food. i am now a born again cincinnati church food fanatic. and the sacred heart church ravioli is probably the best church food i have ever had. this is the real thing. eat it... if you can figure out when it's happening...

orchids served me a meal so good that it dragged me out of blog retirement

i know i said i was done blogging due to boredom, annoyance, etc. but i was unprepared to have my blogging resistance conquered by a restaurant meal whose awesomeness was so overpowering. i had a meal that i must write about.

do you want to have that meal too? well i can tell you that cincinnati magazine is right... go to orchids. it is the best restaurant in cincinnati. i ate there a few weeks ago with cincinnati eats and had the most delicious, impeccably served, and memorable meals that i have had in a very long time. i have no pictures so you are going to have use your i-mag-i-NA-tion!

orchids is inside the netherland hilton (or whatever it is called) hotel downtown. i have blogged about its brunch before. i love the brunch, it is amazing. i have never had a sit down meal there before though because it is too expensive for me, so i jumped at the chance to go with cincinnati eats. they do events at different restaurants around cincinnati where you get a 3 course meal for $35-40 on an off night. they do their events once every few months. you preorder your menu choices and you buy your own drinks.

i started off the night having cocktails in the lounge with a couple friends. the atmosphere there is so nice, it is all art deco and beautifully maintained. it is upscale but you will not feel out of place in jeans. we were treated to some hilarious people watching as a couple girls seemed to think that the appropriate attire for a cincinnati eats dinner was 80s prom dresses with spiked heels.

i had a cocktail that i think was called the wise one. i think it was some combination of whiskey, cherry liqueur, sage, and maybe something else. it was completely delicious.

then we sat down to dinner. the first thing to note is that even though this was a group event with everyone paying well below menu price for the food served, the restaurant did not skimp at all in the quality of service or food. it was exactly like you were having a meal there that you had paid big cash money for. they served us three types of bread with three different delicious dips and spreads, an amuse bouche (some type of savory bacon custard inside an eggshell, which gave me the fun new experience of eating out of an egg cup with a tiny little spoon).

the meal itself was perfect. i went for the full carnivorous experience and got pork belly as my appetizer which was melt in your mouth delicious and rich, and a ridiculously tender strip loin for my main course which was perfectly medium rare and served with i forget what kind of unbelievably rich mushrooms and savoy cabbage in a dark, rich sauce. yes, i just said rich 3 times in one sentence. both portions were very generous. i also tasted the tuna loin which was huge, perfectly rare, and served with a really interesting chick pea sauce and brussels sprouts leaves.

the desserts were... actually i don't remember. i had my cocktail and a few glasses of wine by then and i'm not a dessert person so it wasn't memorable for me. i do remember that along with our dessert, we got one of those cute little multi tiered plates with rich, smooth chocolates and tasty homemade candied fruit.

the service was absolutely top notch, to the point of having all the waiters remove the lids off our food at the same time. however you know it was really good service because you always had what you wanted when you wanted it but nobody was snotty or made you feel at all out of place. it is the best service i have had after my meal at bouley, which is the highest compliment i can give for restaurant service. during our meal, the chef came out to meet everyone and thank us for coming. this was for people who were paying below price for his food. he was totally modest and welcoming, a rare and awesome quality in a chef who is creating food this good.

the price was obviously good because of the group meal. it is definitely worth shelling out for full price though. you will not be disappointed. i will probably retreat back into hiding now but this meal is still on my mind three weeks later and i had to share it.

green eats

i saw krishna tonight and i realized that i still have not written a post about green eats... there is no excuse for this because she has had her awesome green/local/delicious catering business for almost a year now and my readers need to know about it.

stuffed mushrooms

a year ago krishna had a regular boring 9 to 5 office job and dreamed of one day opening her own catering business. she took cooking classes night to hone her skills and graduated from the midwest culinary institute last year. all her friends who had ever eaten her food (including me) were like "you can do it, your food is delicious, people will want it." she was not sure. finally she decided to take the plunge and quit her job and she has been going nonstop ever since.

arroz al horno with blood sausage

she cooks for people in their homes, does dinner parties and weddings, and she also does fun stuff like cooking demonstrations at park + vine and wine tastings at market wines. i have never been able to get her to nail down prices for me but that is because she will work with each of her clients' budgets to make food that is both delicious and within their price range.

gambas al ajillo

most the pictures in this blog are photos of a spanish meal that krishna made for maggie's birthday back in january. it was delicious and muy autentico. maggie used to live in spain back in high school and had very specific recipe and ingredient requests, and krishna was able to give her exactly what she wanted.

salad with potatoes, oranges, and red peppers and i have no clue what it is called in spanish

there are so many catering businesses popping up all over cincinnati right now. even if you are specifically looking for a caterer who focuses on fresh, local ingredients, you have your choice. of course i think you should choose krishna for all your food preparation needs because she is my friend. but also she is just a damn good cook. over the past few years i have tried all different kinds of things she has made... brunches, indian food, appetizers, this extravagant spanish meal, salads, soups, desserts. it is all ridiculously good.

red velvet trifle... totally not spanish but it's what maggie wanted

i remember one time krishna prepared an afternoon tapas-style cocktail party for her birthday. one of the things she made was this fig and caramelized onion spread with rosemary. i was obsessed with it. i loved it so much that the next time she made it she gave me her extras and i ate it on everything i could think of for days. and the thing is i don't even really like figs that much (i know that's crazy). it's like she just understood the flavor, texture, and qualities of the figs so well that she knew how to make them into something even better than they started off as (suck it, grammar nazis).

here is krishna serving up her awesome turkey chili at the findlay market chili cookoff

krishna just knows what she is doing with every ingredient in the kitchen, and spends pretty much every free moment learning about and working with local and sustainable food sources. she is always traveling to different farms to find out where to get the best of whatever specific food product she wants, she belongs to vegetable and meat CSAs, and she is very active in the cincinnati slow food movement. there is nothing she puts in her recipes that doesn't belong, and at the same time she comes up with totally unique flavor and ingredient combinations. her food is clean and fresh. the flavors and ingredients are distinct, bold, and thoughtfully created. everything always looks amazing and tastes just as good as it looks.

eat this now: salted rye at skirtz & johnston

like everyone else i have been peeping in the windows at skirtz & johnston every time i have been to findlay market for the past few months, only to pass it up for gelato or rib tips or a waffle or all of the above. today my friend christine was visiting and we were feeling adventurous (and we had to go to the bathroom) so we went in.

mr. t says, "low carb diet? i pity the fool!"

on the counter they had big plates of fat, tempting slices of bread, including this salted rye. i have been obsessed with salted rye ever since the first time jesus brought it into my life at the st. john white oak fish fry last year. well that salted rye was nothing compared to this. soft, chewy, salty, caraway seedy... YUM. we also tried the roasted garlic asiago bread (delicious) and ogled the desserts (beautiful) but this salted rye stole my heart. you must eat this bread.

anchor grill

people have been telling me that i need to go to the anchor grill* since like the first day i moved to cincinnati. i distinctly remember having beers with people i haven't talked to in years now very soon after i arrived fresh off the east coast boat and a guy was telling me some convoluted story about a place with a jukebox and "this weird barbie doll dance thing" where people would go to eat "but only if it's like 3 am and you are really drunk." everyone who ever talked about the place instructed me that "you have to get the goetta omelet" but admonished me to remember that "you're not going there for the food."

good food

obviously i had to go to this place, but somehow i could never make it happen. nobody ever wants to drive to covington after they are already drunk, and nobody i know hangs out in covington to drink. i would occasionally throw it out there as a brunch suggestion but people would laugh at me. "go to the anchor grill SOBER?!?!" they would exclaim in pure and utter shock. "you can't go to the anchor grill SOBER! and you can't go NOW! you have to go at THREE AM!!!"

i would protest that at this rate, i was never going to make it there. i got no sympathy. "you CAN'T go to the anchor grill if you're not DRUNK and it's not THREE AM," people kept telling me. "NOBODY does that. NOBODY!!!" nobody, it turns out, but kieran.

the only person in cincinnati who will go to the anchor grill sober at 6 pm on a weeknight

i don't have anything really to say about the food. i ordered the goetta omelet and it was fine. it was fried goetta with american cheese melted on top all rolled into eggs. i think i would have preferred cheddar cheese, but on the other hand i enjoyed the super thin crispy goetta. overall it was just straight up middle american greasy spoon food, which is exactly what it is supposed to be.

the ambience however was everything i hoped it would be and more. i am going to let the pictures tell the rest of the story.

i don't think we're in kansas anymore

sorry it's blurry but i couldn't ruin this moment with a flash. fyi, that table ordered steaks for dinner. steaks. at the anchor grill.

they were as confused as i was

i think this meal may have taken a year off my life

i wonder what this mural looks like to really drunk people

until next time, anchor grill. because i am sure i will be back. i just might not remember it.

* yes, their website is a myspace page.

westside adventure

i love my roommate. i know i gush about him all the time but he really is the best. as tempting as it is however i am not allowed to pimp him out over this blog. sorry boys.

anyway, so yesterday i was feeling super crabby and cabin fevery because i have been sick with this weird virus that gave me fevers and "temporary arthritis" of the knees. temporary arthritis. i have never heard of this before but apparently it is something you can get with viruses. yes, i am officially a grandma. so i was really ornery because i had been sitting around the house for days watching way too much shitty tv and i was starting to lose my ability to socially interact in a normal way.

brian saw only one solution to this problem... let me loose on the westside. he grew up in... western hills? cheviot? i don't really know. somewhere far. so into the car we went to check out the one (that we know of) japanese restaurant on the westside, sakura.

on the drive i started dreaming about ramen and tempura and bento boxes. brian had never heard of a bento box before so i got him all fired up about it. well then we pull into the parking lot and i realized that maybe my dream was going to remain a dream. "are you sure we're in the right place?" i asked. "yes," said brian. "i told you it was in a hotel."

yes, this is what it really looked like

brian had told me that he used to work at sakura when it was another restaurant back in high school and he was excited to see how it looked now. well it turns out nothing had changed since 2000, or since 1978 for that matter.

damn, i forgot my quaaludes

"we can go somewhere else if you want," said brian. "no," i said, "it's cool. we're here now. let's see what this is all about." i snapped photos of people in cowboy hats while we waited for a table.

brian comes face to face with what could have been his destiny

when we sat down and looked at the menu i got confused. "where are the bento boxes?" i wondered. then it dawned on me. there were no bento boxes. this was some benihana spinoff. we asked for a sushi menu and after giving us a crazy look and announcing that she had a "pen fetish," our waitress wandered off, never to return.

this is the actual menu. those are the actual prices. also, is it just me or is this the first time chateaubriand has appeared on a menu since 1978?

another waitress, who was actually japanese, brought us sushi menus. i had gotten all fired up about drinking mai tais and living it up 70s style but after facing some definitively non-70s prices, we ended up just sticking to water. long wait times were not a problem however because there was lots of great people watching to be had.

dude: so do you know why these people are so skinny?

girl: no, why?

dude: because they eat rice with those sticks and they can only pick it up a little bit at a time and they get tired so they never eat that much.

girl: ohhh.

we did finally get our sushi and it was ok. i give them points for presentation because it did look pretty cool. however the quality of the fish was mediocre... it's not that it had gone bad, it was just flavorless. and almost every sushi option involved a generous dousing of mayo, or something cooked, neither of which are my preferred sushi roll preparations.

pretty...

...but not that good

finally we got our bill and got the hell out of there. we paid $50 including tax and tip which i thought was a lot. i know i am probably preaching to the choir here, but for god's sake do not drive a half hour into the west side to try to get good sushi. for the people watching however, it is definitely worth it.

people watching aside, i needed some kind of gustatory redemption so i asked for my westside guide to take me to one of those west side whippy dip places i keep hearing about. brian knew just the place... zip dip. he made me branch out from my usual boring twist cone so i got a butterscotch sundae and it was delicious.

confucius say... when on the westside, eat as the westsiders eat

i want blue!!!

i want some creamy whip in my mouth!!!

every time i go to the west side i feel like i am in some crazy bizarro sequel to napoleon dynamite where everyone is kind of living in a different time, and yet there is still internet and energy drinks and cell phones. i love it though and a trip to the west side is always the perfect distraction from whatever normal everyday problems i might be having. thanks brian!