st. james white oak fish fry

the short version: god and cod: too much god, not enough cod.


the long version:

a couple weeks ago, lauren and some other rollergirls decided to celebrate their birthdays with a cheap and tasty meal at the st. james white oak fish fry. lauren found out about this particular fish fry from the westside foodie wannabes. fish fries, for the uninitiated, are a common cincinnati practice on fridays during lent. catholic churches serve up cheap fish dinners as fundraisers and as a way of encouraging people to avoid meat (why fish is not a meat is still a mystery to me) on fridays during lent, which is a big catholic thing for reasons i do not understand.

anyway, the minute i heard about this plan, i had to go because:

• i have lived here for almost three years and i have never been to a fish fry
• i love anything deep fried
• i am obsessed with the west side
• i am a total westside foodie groupie and will eat anything they eat
  

the event both fascinated and scared me, and i had to experience it for myself.

before i get to the cod, i have to explain a little about the god. it's the only way you're going to understand my experience. i am not religious. i was not raised with any religion, although technically i was baptized catholic. but it doesn't mean anything to me and i have never attended church.

my experiences with organized religion have been limited and scary. the first time i remember being a church is when i was like 8 or 9. it was christmas and i was with some family members. people kept singing weird songs, standing up, sitting down, kneeling, shaking hands, and all kinds of weird shit. everybody got to go up for a snack but me. i didn't like it.

then, in 5th grade, we had to do projects on how christmas was celebrated around the world (yes, i grew up in white christian suburbia in the 80s). this kid ryan was doing his presentation on england. he was talking about something called an "advent wreath." i had no idea what this was so i yelled out, "what's an advent wreath?" the room got silent. everyone stared at me. "you know, like at your church," said ryan. "i don't go to church," i said. more staring. finally the teacher told ryan to keep doing his presentation.

in middle school, i went to live with my dad in illinois for a while. during that time i made friends with this girl sarah whose dad was... well i don't know what he was. i am pretty sure they were catholic, and he did all the stuff that a priest does, but priests aren't allowed to get married and have kids. so who knows. anyway, they were like super religious family. or maybe they weren't but it seemed that way to me.

one day sarah invited me to come over and spend the night at her house. we had to pray before we ate dinner. i sat there and stared at my food like a deer stuck in headlights (this was, and generally still is, my normal approach to dealing with prayer before meals). finally that was over. whew, i'm in the clear, i thought. ha! silly liz. we wake up in the morning and sarah announces that "it's time to get ready for church." a feeling of dread came over me.

this picture doesn't really fit in with the story but i didn't know where else to put it

all kinds of problems came up. i didn't have the right clothes so i had to borrow some of sarah's (and we were not the same size). we get to church and once again it's the whole thing where i have no idea what to do. i decided to be upfront. "sarah," i said, "i don't go to church and i have no idea what to do here." she smiled. "it's ok. just do exactly what i do," she said confidently.

so i followed her lead and stood up and sat down and kneeled and stood up and shook hands (i hate that part so much, i have no idea why), etc. finally it was time to line up for the snacks. sarah got in line and i lined up behind her. we got near the front of the line and i saw that people were opening their mouths like baby birds and sarah's dad was sticking what looked like nilla wafers in their mouths. it seemed weird. couldn't they put the snacks in their own mouths? also, what if you wanted more than one?

finally it was sarah's turn. in goes the nilla wafer. then me. i open up and get... blah. it sure as hell did not taste like nilla wafer. then some kid poured some grape juice in our mouths and we went back to our seats. i was still chewing the thing. it was so damn dry i could not swallow it, even after the juice. i wondered why they went through all that lining up for such a crappy snack.

i broke away from my daydreaming and noticed sarah staring at me in horror. "what?" i asked, thinking i had grape juice on my shirt or something. "oh my god. you haven't been confirmed, have you?" she asked. "what's that?" i said. "oh my god. oh my god. oh my god." "what, sarah???" i had no idea what was going on. "liz. you ATE THE BODY OF CHRIST and you HAVEN'T BEEN CONFIRMED!!!" sarah was practically hyperventilating. "spit it out! spit it out!" she demanded. i had no idea what the fuck she was talking about and i spit out the remaining dried bits. "here," i said, handing the spit out body of christ remnants to her. she took them and didn't know what to do so she ended up throwing them on the floor. then she started freaking out because she just threw the body of christ on the floor. she remained totally preoccupied until it was time to leave.

we walked out of church and sarah announced that it was time for me to go home. i knew i had somehow really fucked up in there but i had no idea how. i also had no clue what she was talking about with the body of christ thing. i went home and i was pretty much scarred for life. sarah never talked to me again. the whole thing completely weirded me out and confirmed my suspicions that church was a humiliating, incomprehensible freak show to be avoided at all costs. after that, i pretty much never set foot in a church again other than for weddings, which i generally hate but tolerate because i love my friends, and for tourist related purposes.

your st. james white oak fish fry menu options

fast forward to lauren's birthday. it's time to enter a church and there are going to be actual churchgoers there. i sat in my car for a good 15 minutes trying to calm my anxiety enough to get out of my car and walk inside. fortunately i saw some other people who were clearly there for the party so i buddied up with them and walked in.

someone else's cod... i ate mine too fast to take a picture

i don't have much to say about the actual fish fry. it was pretty much what you would expect i guess, a church basement with lots of little kids and old people and folding tables. the fish itself was delicious, some of the best fried cod i have ever had in my life. the salted rye was a revelation. i generally don't like salted breads but it was amazing. fried cod topped with hot sauce and tartar inside salted rye... it was a culinary masterpiece. my only complaint is that i only got one piece of fish. i seriously could have eaten five.

the sides were kind of disappointing. the macaroni and cheese was bland and mushy, and the coleslaw tasted like what you would get at long john silver's. there were $2 beers, so that was nice.

lauren and me trying to fit in with the church regulars

i tried to enjoy myself but i just could not get over the fact that i was voluntarily in a church, sitting really close to actual living, breathing churchgoers, who i feared at any moment would all start pointing their fingers at me and demanding that i spit out something that i was not supposed to eat (the elbow of adam? the armpit of mary?). i just felt so much like an outsider, and like if anyone knew that they were going to kick me out. i know this is irrational and that anyone is welcome at fish fries. i know it's a fundraiser and i know (or at least i hear) that catholics aren't scary, at least compared to other, more militant varieties of christians. but i just could not get over my anxiety and ended up bolting out of there as soon as i could do so without being rude.

i'm torn now about whether or not to recommend the meal. that fish was truly absolutely delicious. the salted rye was excellent. and fish, rye, and two sides were only $6. it was ridiculously cheap and damn good. i really want to eat more of it. but i really don't want to go back in a church. i would say if you have an even slightly less neurotic relationship with organized religion than i do, then you should head out to st. james for some fried cod and salted rye. but even if you are as crazy as i am, it just might be worth it anyway.

(note: all photos courtesy of lauren)