this is my life

some of you know me. if you know me, you know that my life is really nothing more than a series of almost unbelievably ridiculous events. some of you don't know me. so i will tell you, fyi, my life is really nothing more than a series of almost unbelievably ridiculous events. today we are going to take a break from the food and i am going to tell you about one of those events.

some of you are going to think, "come on liz. you pretty much walked into this one." you would be right. but the thing is, i pretty much walk into all of them. it never ends. one ridiculous event after another, all blending together, and almost always all my own damn fault. that is my life. i accept it.

so i'm thinking about moving. for those of you that don't know me, i should probably give you a little background. the background is this: i am mostly always thinking about moving. any time i have been in a place for more than a couple months, i start getting either antsy or annoyed and my mind starts wandering to all the great places i am not currently living in. right now, i have been in my place for 2 years and 3 months. that is longer than i have lived anywhere since i moved out of my parents' house to go to college. the urge to move is almost crippling at this point.

after spending three years living in new york, i have become incapable of considering anything other than craigslist for all my apartment hunting needs. so i have been scoping out places on there for probably a good year now. recently, a new place popped up which i had not seen before. i have decided recently that i want roommates again (i live alone now and i'm totally bored with it) and this place seemed perfect. roommates, in northside, huge house, etc. here's the ad in case you want to check it out. in case you don't, here's the text:

Beautiful home in Northside on Bruce Avenue, a great street right next to the busline (Bus comes every 10 minutes during the day, only 10 minute ride to university and hospitals), Located Right off Hamilton Avenue where you can walk to the most lively strip in town. You can eat at amazing restaurants, see live music every night and shop at a fresh produce market all within walking distance. There is a beautiful park across the street and we're one block away from another large city park.

Currently the house has 4 males. We are looking to fill one more bedroom at the house, available immediately. This room is on the second floor with large space. We have 2 full baths at the house. The first floor has a huge shared space a parlor, dining room, entryway and kitchen. There are two porches a wonderful patio in the side yard and a firepit and grill to use in the backyard. Some rooms are furnished already.

If you are laidback, friendly who likes to socialize at times, responsible, whom is kind and considerate to all of us and to a historical home and can help with chores then you are perfect for us. You will be expected to be able to pay rent on time and at a minimum sign a 6 month lease.

Wireless Internet access and gas/electric utils all will be shared costs.
Sorry no pets.
Note: I have more images of the room that is available.

ok. i know what you are thinking. "FOUR roommates? all guys?? are you insane???" but let me just explain here. my two favorite living situations thus far in life were: a) my senior year of college when i lived with 4 roommates (3 guys and 1 other girl) and b) 2 years of law school when i lived in a house in astoria with 3 roommates (3 guys for 1 year and 2 guys and 1 girl the second year). i like living with a lot of people and i like living with guys. i know it may seem crazy but that is me. yes, i am probably idealizing my past experiences.

so i got excited about the place and chatted with the owner/landlord over the phone. he seemed nice and told me about the roommates. all 25-30 years old, professionals, clean, respectful, quiet, etc. sounds great, right? i set up a plan to visit the house tonight. after work i had a couple beers and then headed over to the house.

well i get to the house and park. first of all, it is pouring rain outside. the house looks a little run down, but i can't tell if it's just the rain. the yard is kind of overgrown. is that a couch on the porch? i don't really notice because...

...i get to the front door and i notice that it is open. and i don't mean the door is open but the screen is shut. no. the door is open and the screen is open. i start banging on the screen and nobody answers. "hello?" i yell. "is anyone home? hello?" no one answers.

blurry phone pic i took to prove that the door was open and no one was there

i decide to let myself in. hell, the door is open, right? i walk in and continue yelling "hello? hello? hello?" still no answer. a cat meows. i look down. yes, there is a cat. i wonder what happened to the whole "sorry no pets" thing. i start looking around. the first thing i notice is that there is crap everywhere. couches, pianos, chairs, just stuff all over. i think to myself, i am not making this up, that i wished i had not had those beers after work because i am scared i am not going to notice all the nasty details of this unbelievably packratty house.

i start taking pictures with my cell phone and texting people about how i just wandered into this house and nobody is there and it's nasty and where the hell am i. kieran texts back: "get out now. they are hiding in the basement waiting to kill you." i ignore this advice and keep going further in.

i walk into the kitchen and it is a hell hole. dirty dishes and pots and pans piled up everywhere. the stove is covered in brown rice bits and other food splatters. there are half empty boxes of cereal and empty beer bottles everywhere. i look in the backyard. i think the picture speaks for itself.

the backyard

i walk back towards the front of the house and peek into the dining room and living room. less crap all over but still dirty and everything looks like it hasn't been cleaned in months. this is surprising since the landlord had told me that a maid service comes once a month. i keep yelling "hello" but no one answers and i decide to head upstairs. as i get to the top of the stairs and start peeking in a bedroom, a guy comes out of a room. let's call him frank. i feel the need to protect the identities of the innocent here.

"oh... whoa," says frank. "hi," i say. "i'm liz. we emailed. i'm here to see the place." "oh hi," says frank. frank tells me that it is his room that will be open since he is moving into the room of the roommate who is moving out. we go in. there are clothes everywhere. it's like a tornado hit the room. also, the bed appears to be just a mattress with only a top sheet on it. but that is not my main concern. "wait, where's the closet?" i ask. frank informs me that there is no closet. "what? but i need a closet. i have to hang my clothes up. i have suits. i have like ten suits. i have to hang up my suits!" frank says that there is "this space you could use as a closet" in the basement which he promises to show me. i say ok but clearly i can't get over this.

frank offers to show me the rest of the house. at this point, i have decided there is no way in hell i am moving in, but still i am curious and want the tour. we look at some of the other bedrooms which are equally covered in dirty clothes and crap. then we go upstairs. it's what appears to be an attic completely jam packed with shit. furniture, ironing boards, shoes, boxes, suitcases, books, you name it, it's crammed in the attic.

then frank says, "ok, let's meet dieter" (his name wasn't really dieter). wait a minute, i think, someone LIVES up here??? we knock on a door. a confused looking guy comes out and blinks at me. "hi, i'm liz," i say. "this is dieter," says frank. dieter blinks at me. "nice to meet you," i say. dieter blinks. "nice to meet you," i say again. "i haff to do a presentation," says dieter in a german accent, and shuts the door. ok.

"i'll show you downstairs," says frank. we go downstairs. he tells me that he just moved in a week ago after moving here from another city, and didn't see the place before he got here. "is it what you expected?" i ask. "well... it's fine," he says. "the roommates are nice."

we descend to the basement. "there's a lot of stuff down here," he says, "but it's really cool because it's all the landlord's and he just lets you use whatever you want." i scope out the piles of cardboard boxes, empty paint cans, and broken fans and wonder who on earth could possibly find a use for this shit. "let me show you the place you can use as a closet," frank suggests. we climb over piles of shit to get to this rack that has a couple jackets hanging on hangers. it's about two feet long. i stare at it. "i have suits," i say. "i can't just put my suits down here." "well yeah," says frank, "i guess that's kind of a problem."

we go back upstairs and we look in the kitchen. "it's... full of stuff," i say. "yeah," says frank. "here's the backyard. there's a lot of stuff out there. we're trying to clean it up. and this is... well i don't know what's behind this door." he opens the door. "more stuff." we go in the dining room, then the living room. "there's a lot of crappy dvds in here," he says.

dry erase board messages in the kitchen. i could not even make this up if i tried.

the cat meows. "that's a cat," frank observes. "it's pretty nice." i still have not figured out whether the cat actually lives there or whether, like me, it just wandered in out of the rain. later, after i leave, i call bryan to tell him the story of the house. he is hung up on the cat. "there was just a cat there? and it wasn't their cat?" he asks. "it wasn't clear," i tell him. "it might have been their cat." he is not convinced. "you mean there was just some random cat? they just had a cat in the house and they didn't know if it was theirs?" "i'm not really sure. i guess not," i say. he can't get over it.

we go out on the porch. i would have thought by this point that it was clear i was not moving in, but frank starts going on about how we can build something in the bedroom to hold my clothes. as he rambles, i check out the porch. i confirm that it is a couch on the front porch, as well as a half broken glider and about 50 cigarette butts.

finally i cut frank off. "you don't understand," i say, "i have suits. i have to wear suits to work. i can't just hang them on a hook or a pole. i have to have a closet." "so a closet is the deal breaker, huh?" asks frank. "yes," i tell him, "a closet is the deal breaker." i thank him for the tour and run through the pouring rain back to my car.

i will not give up my quest for the perfect place. i am still really itching to move, and i really want roommates. i just know there is somewhere else out there, and damn it, i will find it. and then, a few months later, i will start perusing craigslist again, to find the next perfect place...