cincinnati bloody mary rankings

there is nothing better than a good bloody mary and there is nothing worse than a bad bloody mary. i have been on a lazy, meandering quest over the past year or so to figure out where to get good bloody marys in cincinnati. here are my findings so far. i will update these rankings as i drink more bloody marys.

all places only got one shot to prove their bloody mary skills. if you serve me a bad bloody mary once, i am never going to try it again so you better get it right the first time. i don't want to hear any whining that i need to give whatever place another try. if i am spending $7-12 for undrinkable bitter swill that gives me heartburn and bloody mary ptsd, you are off my list permanently.

the queen bloody of the queen city is at cityview tavern

here is what i am looking for in a bloody mary:

• strong, savory, spicy tomato flavor. it should be rich, thick, and have a depth of flavor
• no discernible alcohol flavor. if i want to taste my liquor i will order a gimlet or a vodka tonic. also, it's a brunch drink and i don't need to get drunk at noon. at least that is what my sponsor tells me.
• no bitterness. this is a cardinal sin because it makes the entire drink undrinkable. i can't tell you how many watery, bitter bloody marys i have been served in my life. disgusting, disappointing, and totally avoidable.
• good garnishes. if i like a bloody mary then i am someone who is into briny, salty flavors. if all you stick in there is a dried out celery stalk and a sliver of lime, i am going to be pissed. i am fine with omitting the celery altogether actually in favor of pickled green beans or carrots or asparagus. get creative and also i want a lot of shit in there, not just one thing.
• spicy but not too spicy. my stomach is empty and i do not need to start the day with heartburn.

the good, in order of how good they are:

1. cityview tavern: believe the hype... this is the epitome of bloody mary perfection. rich, savory, smooth, and full of flavor. not a hint of bitterness and the flavors just go together perfectly. did not give me heartburn at all. the spicy/salty/peppery mix on the rim was perfect. very nice pickled vegetables (green beans, olives, etc.)
2. nada's bloody maria: a very close second. nice call on the peppadew garnish and the substitution of tequila for vodka just works. very flavorful and not too spicy. also a similar rim spice mix to cityview. this one was just ever so slightly less thick and robust, and did not have any big crunchy pickled things in it. very good showing however.
3. otto's: nice and horseradishy. rich and thick and a big portion. it gets docked a few points for inconsistency but if you get a really good one, you will be very happy.
4. honey: good and will scratch your bloody mary itch. one big fat celery stalk does not cut it in the garnish department, and it's not as complexly flavored or rich as others above it.
5. neon's: very average. it is too spicy for me (even when i ask for it to come not too spicy) and also is just not very flavorful overall. however, it earns points for having lots of excellent garnishes (including cheese, pepperoni, and blue cheese stuffed olives, yum).

neon's bloody mary

do not even bother drinking these bloody marys, in no particular order:

• the comet: it was like 90% vodka and 10% flavorless red stuff, and was tiny and overpriced. bleah.
• motr: a bitter, watery disaster. i think i got heartburn just from looking at it. was this a cocktail or a punishment?

bloody marys i still need to try (please tell me if there are others i am missing)

• jeff ruby's walnut street grill: it is made with bacon infused vodka. i need this drink.
• teller's: i hear they have a garnish bar... yum
• the pub at rookwood: another garnish bar. why haven't i been to these places yet?
• orchids: they can do no wrong in any other area of food or drink. although i have not heard anything about it, i am sure their bloody mary is a serious contender
• keystone: i have heard they have a number of different bloody mary options which means they take the drink seriously
• roxy's: i have had other good mixed drinks there so i think they are up to the challenge