the worst places you should never eat at in cincinnati

this post is super bitchy but then so am i.  here are some shitty places that you should avoid at all costs.  i am not even going to bother with most chains because those usually make me want to kill myself and this post would go on for days.

1. cadillac ranch

enough said.

2. tumi cafe

this place is fucking nut case land and terrible.  it's this "peruvian" place in mt. washington with a giant life-sized leprechaun sitting at a chair in the window, which right there should scare you away.  but not me.  i went in, sat down, and fucking ordered CEVICHE.  i think the mental illness vibe pervading the entire restaurant infected me.  the owner appears to be bat shit crazy.  there is weird, creepy kitsch cramming the walls (stuffed animals, painted glasses, books about jesus, etc).  there is not a peruvian to be seen.  aside from the obvious decor and mental health issues pervading the place, there is the huge sanitation/health code problem of the fact that the place does not appear to have a kitchen. all the food seems to be kept on hot plates, and i did not see anyone washing their hands or wearing gloves, EVEN WHEN PREPARING FUCKING CEVICHE, which yes, i was a lunatic to order.  the food itself is weird (hot canned chicken mixed with peas and oregano and... nacho cheese colored spicy mayo?  deep fried nuggets of... what exactly?  with more spicy mayo?) and not peruvian and really, questionable as food in general.  do not eat here.

3. shanghai mama's

this place is absolutely foul (an inside source, who i have no doubt wishes to remain anonymous and who used to be a health department restaurant inspector, told me this was the number one place he would not eat in cincinnati, except maybe washington platform).  if that was not bad enough, they appear to only have the ability to season food with one ingredient: soy sauce.  gross, bland, and possibly the most overrated crap i have ever tasted.  i hope this dump never reopens.

4. indigo

most overpriced, underwhelming, piece of crap restaurant i can think of.  like $18 or whatever for a spinach salad in a neon hell hole with decor that has not changed since 1987 with no parking and a bunch of hyde park pricks for company?  kill me.

5. andy's

i am lebanese and this is the worst lebanese food i have ever tasted and way overpriced.  it is the kind of place that people who have no idea what lebanese food is supposed to taste like would say they like so that they can seem cool to their white, suburban, applebee's loving broskys.  i have never had meat here that was not so dry that i wanted to dip it in a glass of water just in order to swallow it and nothing is seasoned even remotely sufficiently.  the labneh is pretty good though.  so i guess go there and eat that, or just don't go there.

6. camp washington chili

you know what, maybe the stuff on the menu besides the chili is ok, i don't really know.  but i know that the chili is pure hell.  i heard from a bunch of people that this was the "best" chili in cincinnati, which could only have been true if it was opposite day.  the chili tastes like nothing, the spaghetti is mushy and overcooked, and there is not enough cheese.  gross.

6. b-g restaurant

ok, nobody i know but me has ever been here anyway so it's probably not even worth bitching about, except for this.  the one and only time i ever ate there which was years ago, kieran ordered a cheeseburger and he took the top of the bun off of it to put ketchup on it and THERE WAS A DEAD FLY STUCK IN THE CHEESE.  i am going to throw up just thinking about it.  besides that, the food tasted like hell anyway.  there is no reason to ever go here.

7. grand finale

i know everyone from cincinnati loves the sunday brunch at this place because they grew up eating it or whatever but i find it mediocre, overpriced, and annoying.  everything is overcooked and swimming in oil and little children are sticking their grimy hands into the said overcooked, oil coated buffet line food.  loud, crowded, expensive, terrible food, horrible decor, and i got into a car accident once in their parking lot so i extra hate it.

8. grammer's

quit opening and closing and quit serving shitty food with no real kitchen and quit focusing your "german" menu on buffalo chicken wings and quit whining about the neighborhood and for god's sake, if you are a server and you spill an entire fucking diet coke on my body, soaking me from head to waist, i better get something other than a fucking ugly ass XL grammer's t-shirt to compensate me for my suffering.  hell.

9. lavomatic

i can't believe i forgot to include this on the original list and had to add it on because i just hate this place so much.  i have been here probably five times ("there's a new chef!"  "there's another new chef!"  "i promise, this new chef is so much better than all the other ones!") and every time, the food was completely disappointing and totally overpriced and underseasoned with the added insult of the servers acting like it was the most obnoxious thing ever that they actually had to, gasp, SERVE you.  once i got chicken here that i am not kidding you was totally raw inside, which is unforgivable.  the bar is ok i guess, but why not just go somewhere else and avoid the whole possibility of culinary trauma altogether?