it has been 9 months to the day now since i broke my leg. i no longer care about blogging about food but apparently i really love wallowing in my disabled misery. maybe this will get me up to #5 on urbanspoon. one can only hope...
today i just had a total emotional breakdown over something probably stupid that there is no way i am going to share on this blog. i cried my eyes out and sank to the depths of depression and sadness. fortunately my friend heather is in town right now taking care of me and was there to listen to me and give me a hug. of course heather is leaving tomorrow morning which is yet another source of my stress and depression... i am going to be completely on my own while non-weight bearing for the first time ever starting tomorrow and i am terrified.
aside from the stupid, or not so stupid, who really knows, thing that started my cry fest, i was also depressed because i just feel like my life has been on hold for so long. i know this is pretty much what i bitched about in my last post but this is my blog and i get to bitch about the same shit over and over again if i want. i have been unable (physically and/or emotionally and/or financially) to do some of the most important things to me: travel, cook, socialize, and pretty much anything physical (the worst is not running). for the past three weeks, and for almost three months in the fall, and for at least another month but possibly longer, i have been reliant upon other people to drive me any time i have to go anywhere.
it's not that people are not offering to do things for me or coming to visit me. they are. so it's not like i am lacking that. it's that i just feel like i am not an active and participating member of society right now, and the things that i have to do on a day to day basis are much more time and energy consuming (ie- showering, preparing food, getting dressed, etc.) and so i just don't even feel much like i can make the effort to do other things. plus normal things that people do can be either dangerous or straight up impossible for me. examples: i went to the radiohead concert and had a drunk girl fall on my broken leg. i went to neon's last night and there was no handicapped parking to be seen so i had to crutch a block there and a block back (fyi if you have never been on crutches: this is exhausting). i enjoy alcohol but fear drinking any right now because i am already very limited in terms of my ability to stay on my feet and be physically stable, and falling or tripping right now would be really bad. i went to kroger today and the electric grocery cart ran out of batteries in the middle of the store. then i think about people who have to put up with this shit or worse all day, every day for their whole lives and i feel like i am just a dumb miserable whiner.
a lot of people including myself are depressed for a lot of reasons but i have just been really overwhelmed by how depressing and emotionally taxing it is to be completely unable to live my life the way i want to live it for such a long period of time. i am not bothered by asking for or accepting help from others, i think we all should help each other and i would definitely help anyone who needed me. what brings me down is just the feeling that life is happening and i am not a part of it. and it's impossible to explain this feeling to people who don't get it. i feel more alone and more lonely than i have ever felt in my whole life, and i am not new to feeling totally fucking alone. worst of all, being around most people does absolutely nothing to improve this particular brand of loneliness... if anything, it can make it even worse.
it's not like i was living my life that great before i broke my leg. the very day it happened, lavine and sarah and i were hanging out at my apartment before oktoberfest and i was giving them my same old tired monologue about how i didn't think i should stay in cincinnati much longer and i felt that i didn't really fit in here and i was sick of my job and of living in a place where i had very few truly deep connections with people and of having way too many weekend nights where i was sitting at home by myself and of the feeling of being stuck in a sea of people who all wanted to get married and have babies and be insular until the end of time. i wasn't doing anything about it, i was just sitting around bitching about it and i was depressed about it. but doing nothing to change your circumstances because you have absolutely no other choice is just so much more depressing and alienating and lonely than doing nothing because you are a lazy asshole who likes to bitch.
tomorrow i am going to get up and go to work and pretend that i care about things and people are going to tell me that i am doing so great and i am going to smile and pretend like it is no big deal and i am not depressed and it is easy and anybody could just break their leg and have it not heal and go on about their life and be happy and functional and not a total basket case. but for now i am just going to spew my depression and self pity all over the internet and wallow in it.
3 comments:
Liz,
I totally appreciate a wallow-y internet post- mostly because I like to think that many people feel the same way but feel compelled to act fine, or because I feel that way a lot and also feel like I shouldn't say so. Being a Cincy import AND immobilized sounds awful- I can't imagine how maddening it is. I think it'd be weird if you didn't feel shitty about it! That being said, I hope you have a better time the next few weeks- which I know sounds pretty lame and empty coming from someone who you don't know, but I do mean it.
RE: your earlier post about Cincinnati- I never thought I'd end up here and yet I am (mostly because of my husband, who is from Cincinnati). I really relate to your post and still feel like it's so hard to find every day friends, particularly ones that are more open-minded and have a wider worldview. I think it's a function both of our age group (post-college, post-grad) and our location. Anyway, I've met some cool people and hope that over the years the friendships will turn into something deeper, and am trying to keep in mind that it's so much harder to develop fast friendships like when we were in school.
All this is to say, I feel ya, sister. And I hope you will plan another Cincinnati Imports event soon, because I've been meaning to go to one for the past two years and never made it. Would love to meet you (and mean that in the most non-creepy way possible)!
Yo, sorry for the rambling email last week. Your post struck a nerve. Hope things are improving.
Your situation is absolutely horrendous. But maybe life is just trying to get you to grow in new ways, whether you like it or not. That seems to include appreciating the small things in life like the battery not running out in Kroger (oh my gosh- how awful!!!!). You might hate me for saying this but... You seem a little anti-marriage and kids. If you ask me, it's the ultimate way to forge the deepest kind of relationships you could ever have. I don't know you well at all so don't be offended by the above, just know you are heard.
Post a Comment