jeff ruby's waterfront

my friend, let's call her helga, who wishes to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, is a mystery shopper. this means that she secretly goes to restaurants or movie theaters, writes reviews, and then gets cash money in exchange for her feedback to cover the cost of the meal or movie. this sounds like a great gig and i got really excited when she told me about it so she invited me along over the weekend to see what it's like.

the destination? jeff ruby's waterfront. the budget? $250. if you have spent even five seconds of your life reading this blog you know there is no way i could turn this down, especially since i had never been to a jeff ruby's restaurant before.

yes you are probably going to have a "where the hell am i?" moment

before we got to the restaurant, helga explained to me how this works. she has certain things she has to pay attention to (servers' and hosts' appearances, wait times, whether our napkins get folded when we go to the bathroom, quality and appearance of food, whether the decor is clean and in good condition, etc.). in order to keep track of all this, she texts herself during the meal. she also needs her dinner companions to help her pay attention to things. and of course you are not allowed to say things like "i'll take the expensive water, i'm not paying!" when ordering. my favorite part? "order whatever you want and don't even look at prices."

for this meal, helga was supposed to order at least one appetizer, two entrees, and at least one dessert. clearly i had no problem with this. we got in, sat down, and began perusing the menu. eventually we decided on the following absurd lineup of gluttony:

• king crab legs
• oysters (kumamotos and i can't remember what the other one was)
• wood grilled shrimp flatbread
  
• heirloom tomato, fresh mozzarella, and basil salad
• "the freddie" salad (romaine lettuce, tomatoes, bacon, and ranch dressing)
• center cut new york strip steak (dry aged 28 days) with peppercorn demi glace
  
• french cut lamb chops with garlic and rosemary rub and fresh mint jelly
• "mac daddy and cheese" aka four cheeses with cavatappi
• lobster mashed potatoes
• strawberry crepes
• pistachio ice cream on a graham cracker crust dipped in milk chocolate
  
• three glasses of wine
• a cappuccino
  

i'll stop here to let you just soak that all in.

soak.

soak.

soak.

yeah it was really over the top actually, but nevertheless awesome. first let's start with the seafood. the crab legs were sweet, fresh, huge, and tender. the meat fell right out of the shell. there was a really yummy mustard dipping sauce. it was delicious.

our seafood

the oysters. oh oysters, you are the yin to my yang. the peanut butter to my jelly. the peas to my carrots. ok enough stupid metaphors. but really i literally do not know how i lived prior to july 30, 2009 (aka the day i learned to love oysters). these oysters were really damn good for being in cincinnati. i know i do not have the oyster experience that many of you do, but i was one happy oyster eater. the kumamotos especially were amazing. the other one was good but did not blow me away. but the kumamoto was sweet and creamy and plump and flavorful. the hot, fresh horseradish put it over the edge. yummmm...

shrimp flatbread

the shrimp flatbread was eh. not bad but don't waste your stomach space. there was nothing memorable about it. i will use this space to instead talk about the bread and butter. they served us delicious hot french bread and salted rye (from servatii's! it is awesome) with regular butter and... wait for it... truffle butter. this is probably a jeff ruby's staple but having never been there before i was delighted with this little surprise.

heirloom tomato and mozzarella salad

on to the salads. helga ordered the tomatoes and they were fresh and wonderful and tasted like summer. the mozzarella was creamy and cool. the balsamic glaze was thick, mellow, and sweet. i liked it but i really loved my salad. there is just no way that you can go wrong with bacon and ranch. and this was like the best bacon and ranch ever. i also made the pepper boy put like 20 twists of pepper on my salad so it was really spicy and yummy. crunchy lettuce, soft delicious tomatoes, salty bacon, all floating in the best ranch ever. i loved this salad.

the freddie

now the meats. i grilled the waiter on the differences between steaks. he recommended the oscar which is a filet mignon with crab, bearnaise, and who knows what else on top, but i am just not a big filet mignon fan so i went with the new york strip (which was dry aged and i had never tried that before). it was everything i dreamed it could be and more.

the dry aged new york strip

i got the sauce on the side just to taste it, and it was yummy but actually i don't know if i would get it again, or maybe i would get something else (like garlic butter... mmmm...). the steak itself though was totally delicious and juicy and one of the best steaks i have ever had. also it was cooked to an absolutely perfect medium rare.

lamb chops

helga's lamb chops were delicious. tender, juicy, flavorful. the mint jelly was interesting, neither of us had ever tried that before but we thought the flavor complemented the lamb. the jelly had lots of bits of fresh mint in it and was very tasty. for me, i would probably not order this because although it was interesting and prepared really well, i just was not a huge fan of the whole mint jelly thing. and the lamb chops were excellent but i think jeff ruby's = steak.

the mac daddy

on to the sides. i am currently having cold sweats and my body is shaking. i can't sleep or eat or breathe. yes, i am in full on mac daddy withdrawal. it was the best fucking macaroni and cheese of my life. how is it possible that a steakhouse can make macaroni and cheese that good? i have no idea, but they did it. the pasta was still slightly al dente somehow and the cheeses were melty and rich. there was a thick crust of melted cheese and breadcrumbs on the top, and the whole thing was in a casserole dish that had been baked. macaroni awesomeness.

lobster mashed potatoes

i was not wowed by the lobster mashed potatoes. there was one chunk of lobster, and while it was delicious, it was not enough. also, the mashed potatoes were totally pureed and really did not have much flavor. it was like baby food potatoes. i do not like super smooth mashed potatoes so maybe that was my problem. i would not order this again.

strawberry crepes

desserts. the strawberry crepes were, for me, pretty much a bust. the crepes were thick and cold and chewy. the strawberries were good but there were not enough of them. the ice cream on it was good. don't waste your money on this though. get the pistachio ice cream thing (i can't remember what it was called). the waiter even told us to order this and he was right. it was so delicious. the ice cream was creamy and wonderful, and the chocolate on top was so rich and sweet and delicious. it was a perfect combination. the graham cracker crust did nothing for me but it did not detract either.

the pistachio ice cream and chocolate thing

wines were excellent also. we just asked the waitress (we had multiple servers and i could not keep track of who was what) for recommendations and they were great. i'm not a really picky wine person though and i am sure everything on their wine list is good. helga had a pinot noir and i had a malbec and we were happy.

the damage? $211. the perfect amount because you add on tip and we are right at $250. some of the prices really surprised me, for example my glass of wine was only $8.25, and the oysters were only $1.75 each. the steak was $34.50 and it comes with salad and a baked potato (extra to add the other sides) so you could totally have gotten a steak and a beer and gotten out of there for $50.

the sushi and oyster bar

service was mostly really good. my one complaint is that the male server seemed kind of slightly bothered by all my questions. like when i was asking about the steaks, he was like "they are all good." and when i was like "tell me about the jeff ruby's jewel" he was like "it's good. you should order that." ok guy but like i want some more detail. also when we wanted to know about desserts, he would like tell us one and be like "you should get that one." that's fine but just tell us about all of them first.

i am not capable of deciding things until i know all of my options (even then my decision making abilities are limited at best). but like he would kind of tell us something, look around like he was super busy, and try to get out of the conversation quickly. i know he was probably busy but seriously we were shelling out $250. we were not just the get a cheap steak and run crowd. anyway all of the other service was great. but fyi, they did not fold our napkins when we went to the bathroom.

the decor. i know.

the decor. oh the decor. it's straight up 80s miami beach fabulousness. they are not even ashamed or trying to hide it. neon lights, pastels, palm tree print fabrics, the whole thing. it's completely over the top to the point of being ridiculous. and yet somehow you do not mind. it's just funny and adds this really interesting counterpoint to the food almost. also, you have a full wall of windows which look out onto the ohio river, and while it is not the world's most beautiful body of water, it's pretty nice.

i always thought of jeff ruby's waterfront as the redheaded stepchild of jeff ruby's restaurants. i always hear about people going to all the others but i literally have not heard of a single person i know ever going to the waterfront. probably this is because of the distance from cincinnati (why go to covington for jeff ruby's if you live downtown or on the east side?) and also because of the hilarious decor. i know many of the jeff ruby's places are kind of over the top and 80s-ish, but this place seriously takes it to another level.

the view from our table

so why should you go there? well first of all the prices are cheaper for the same menu items here than at other jeff ruby restaurants. compare: jeff ruby's jewel (a dry aged 24 oz. bone in ribeye) is $38.50 here, which includes salad and potato. at the precinct it's $41.50 for that combo. at jeff ruby's downtown it's $44.50 for the steak alone. then there is the parking. it's only $3 for the valet. also the seafood. i am still dreaming about the king crab legs and the kumamotos.

i think a lot of the steaks and sides are similar to other jeff ruby's restaurants so don't go out of your way for variety in terms of that. in fact, it seems like most other places have more steak options. the view is really nice, but i'm not sure it trumps the weird ass neon and pastel thing. but if you like kitsch, you might be really into this place, at least for the entertainment factor. also, i'm thinking this place is probably less crowded than other jeff ruby's restaurants on weekend nights.

walking towards the dining room from the back

the food is mostly excellent, especially the things that you are supposed to go there for (meats and seafoods and things covered in ranch). i seriously enjoyed my meal. i also think that this restaurant (and presumably other jeff ruby's places) is a good deal. if you go to ruth's chris or some shit you are going to spend $50+ a la carte just for your steak. here you can get a full meal for $35, and it is just as good if not better. not that it matters since i don't see a ruth's chris popping up here any time soon.

anyway i really recommend this place, as long as you either a) get your mystery shopper friend helga to take you for a no holds barred free meal where you can taste everything, or b) be selective with your menu choices and stick to the things that they do best. if you do that, you will not be disappointed.