red lobster

ok, so i think i have only ever been to red lobster one other time in my life before tuesday night. that was back in college when my friend chad worked there. i have a vague recollection of hawaiian shirts, screaming children, and cheesy biscuits. and pretty much things have not changed.

we went to red lobster after golf because krishna and yagnesh had a gift certificate. little did they know that their crazy family had given them an expired gift certificate with no money on it. apparently the gift certificate had made the rounds through the family for the past several years and ended up with them. this gift certificate had not had value since approximately 1992. ok i am exaggerating. still it was hilarious. who gives someone an expired gift certificate?

anyway, so we actually did end up deciding to stick around. the first thing we ate was a round of lard and crack injected cheesy biscuits. oh my god i needed more. then we all got caesar salad. this was drowning in creamy cheesy dressing. i am sure it was the most heart attack inducing salad i have ever eaten, but i wanted more. we stalked our waiter brandon until he brought us more cheesy biscuits. by this point we were full but we had not even received our main course.

at some point people started singing happy birthday. avani (looks around shocked and confused): "who celebrates their BIRTHDAY here???" meanwhile, at other tables, children screamed, ran around, punched each other, and poured butter all over.

next thing you know we are being presented with huge plates of frozen and recooked seafood drowning in butter. i am not kidding you. i am pretty sure between the biscuits and the butter soaked crustaceans, we each consumed at least a stick of butter. i got "shrimp scampi" and crab legs and i swear to you the shrimp were actually swimming around in the butter. however this did not stop me from eating every last one of them and then drinking up the butter sauce with a straw. ok so i did not do that but i wanted to.

it was around this time that yagnesh announced that he really does not like butter that much. now i LOVE butter so this was totally confusing for me. however, either way, i do not think red lobster is the restaurant for him. yagnesh also did not understand the point of snow crab legs. yes it is a lot of work, but as avani pointed out, it is all worth it for that one big whole chunk of meat you manage to extract at some point in the meal. i also personally really enjoy messy, difficult finger foods. i am going to make a mess either way, at least with crab legs i have an excuse.

after a while our hearts started palpitating and we all felt exhausted from the sheer effort our blood was making to get through our butter clogged arteries. it was around that point that brandon stopped by to ask, "do any of you need dessert?" this odd use of the word "need" sent me into hysterical laughter for the rest of the night. yes brandon, i need a coronary. that whole dengue fever thing a couple years ago just didn't quite satisfy my urge for some time in the ER.

once we left the restaurant and were driving home, krishna and i continued to laugh like maniacs over nothing. i believe we were experiencing some kind of a butter induced high. finally i went home and my belly grumbled all night.

all in all an interesting cultural study into the life of the Average American. i think we all decided that we never need to go to red lobster again, but actually i am not sure i will make good on that promise. i am pretty sure in another 5 years it will seem like a good idea again.