jean robert's table can lick my asshole

the food is ok to good depending on what you get, but there are no surprises and nothing exciting.  the atmosphere is stuffy and old.  the real reason for my vindictive desire to publicly bitch slap them is because their reservation system is a bunch of fucking bullshit.  i made a reservation on open table a few weeks ago at 6 pm.  the day of the meal, i got a voicemail saying that they have a "two hour limit" and that i "have to be done with dinner by 8:00."  of course, i canceled and went to bouquet instead, which was much more a) delicious, b) friendly, and c) worth the money.  and i stayed there for three hours.

go fuck yourselves table.  it is marginally socially acceptable (although still tacky and stingy) to tell people when they make a reservation that there is a time limit.  however, there was no notice of this policy anywhere on opentable and i received the information via a bitchy voicemail the day of my reservation.  even king of shitting on social graces gordon ramsey tells you upon reserving that you're on a deadline.  i have received no response from the restaurant to my complaint about this, so clearly not only do they not give a shit, they don't give a shit that they don't give a shit.  or something.

the most absurd part about this whole scenario is that a restaurant purportedly celebrating the culinary tradition of france (long, relaxed, drawn out meals to be enjoyed over lots of drinks and meandering conversation) is the only restaurant i am aware of in cincinnati which is not only in the business of making you eat your meal by a stopwatch but is not even willing to give you proper notice to find somewhere else to dine if you're not ok with that.

boeuf bourguignon

a couple weeks ago, on the exact same day, two of my friends who do not know each other and live in different parts of the country decided to make julia childs' boeuf bourguignon (aka beef burgundy) and then posted about it on facebook. it was too much for me... i had to have it. but when was i going to find the time to make it? well due to the snow terror that hit cincinnati today, i got let out of work at noon. an afternoon free and nobody at the grocery store meant that the stars had aligned for me and the boeuf. the recipe is here in case you, like me, are too poor to invest in your own copy of mastering the art of french cooking.

the recipe is perfect and if it were not for my own personal issues (unreliable oven, lack of a deep enough casserole dish, being dumb enough to not realize that you can't put a plastic lid on top of a pyrex dish while it is in the oven) the dish would have been flawless. as it is, even with the overcooked onions and the disproportionate wine to beef stock ratio, my boeuf was the shit. i made garlic mashed potatoes to go along with it and it is the best meal i have made in a long time.

i don't have much else to add so here is the whole 5 hour ordeal in photos...

it came out delicious. it took forever but it was definitely worth it. and now i will have tasty boeuf for days.

pigall's

readers, it's the moment you have been waiting for. the moment you have been hitting refresh every five minutes for the past week for. the moment you were born to experience. the moment your parents envisioned many years ago right before they made sweet sweet love which eventually resulted in the birth of you, with your very eyes, which are reading this blog now. that's right. i am going to write about pigall's.

when i heard that pigall's was closing at the end of february, i knew i had to get there no matter what kind of a hit my budget was going to take. restaurant gossip isn't my thing so hit up google if you are really interested in the reasons why the restaurant closed. all i knew was that it was the only four star restaurant in cincinnati, in ohio, and in a big chunk of the midwest. and it was going to close in a matter of weeks. and i had never been.

the minute i heard the news in early february, i called avani and we quickly made reservations for thursday night, february 26. we haggled with liberal foodie ("i don't really want to go that bad") and her husband ("i might have to work late") until they finally agreed to pencil us into their busy schedule of making the best chili in cincinnati, making the best pizza in cincinnati, making the best chicken stock in cincinnati, and other such time consuming affairs. we were set.

the last menu ever at pigall's

then i planned my budget. i have a pretty generous $190/month eating out budget, so i ate out as cheaply and as little as i could for most of the month. by the time february 26 came around, i still had $129 left in my eating out budget.

next i had to figure out what i wanted to eat. lucky for me, kate and graham went the week before i did so i studied their blogs to figure out what i was going to order. graham's meal sounded perfect and i decided i wanted everything he had, unless something else really jumped out at me. not so lucky for me, i had been to the nose to tail dinner at jeanro bistro just a few days before pigall's, so i was feeling burned out on multi-course meals and did not really want to do the five course. i was hoping the others would not want to either, since you have to do what the table wants.

finally the day came. we got all dressed up and zipped down to 4th street. when we walked in, the hostess took our coats and we were seated. the first thing i noticed is how calm and understated the restaurant seemed. it didn't look like what i had expected. i was thinking there would be big chandeliers, lots of paintings, flowery wallpaper. something kind of over the top. but the walls were beige, the lights were big and round and dim, and there were only a few pieces of art here and there. on one wall were lighted boxes set into the walls with little vintage ceramic figures of pigs and children. it was kind of odd, but charming.

the interior of the restaurant

we sat down and our server william came over. william was awesome and we all loved him. we chatted with him and found out he had been working at pigall's for fifteen years. LF asked him what he was going to do when the restaurant closed. "i don't know," he said. "i've been here for so long." then i realized that there probably really is nowhere else for him to work. i am sure the servers at pigall's made a pretty good living. where else are you going to make tips like that in cincinnati? i was sad for him.

william was really fun and totally made us feel at home. it was interesting because there were so many people our age in the restaurant. i had expected a much older crowd. but i think that a lot of people were probably there for the same reason we were - to experience the restaurant before it closed. they weren't regulars.

we decided on the three course meal since that meant that we got a wide variety of food options (with the five course, it's a set menu). we made our selections and ordered cocktails and wine. then we just relaxed into the meal.

soon our amuse bouche arrived. we got three little treats. the first was beet soup. beets again! twice in one week! i wondered what to do. beets literally make me gag. a few days before, at the nose to tail dinner, i had eaten the beet first and it had bitten me in the ass. i took photos to stall. pretty soon everyone else at the table was finishing the course and i hadn't even started.

"what should i eat first?" i asked. "the beet soup," they all replied. well here goes nothing, i thought, and i tipped the soup quickly into my mouth.

what a surprise. i HATE beets. they literally always, without fail, initiate my gag reflex. this beet soup did not do that. it was a miracle. it was cold, creamy, smooth, mild. it tasted slightly purple, if that even makes sense as a flavor, but none of that disgusting beet gaggy throat closing nastiness. i stared into my empty cup and marveled at it.

onto the salmon. perfectly poached and topped with egg salad. again, a blast from the past after the nose to tail dinner. but this egg salad could not have been more different. in it was a super creamy sauce which tasted like a blend of cream cheese and sour cream. the richness of the sauce combined with the fatty, melty salmon, and the smooth, rich egg was perfect. the flavors were deep and full but also sharp. it all went perfectly together.

last was the sweet and sour cabbage (? i think) filled phyllo dumpling. the phyllo was amazing. flaky and crisp, not even a bit soft. so light. the filling was... well i don't remember. the phyllo was so awesome. it crunched and fell to bits in my mouth.

my bouche was amused

throughout this i had forgotten that i was at the table with other people. i looked up and realized they were staring me down like vultures. jealously they watched me swallow the last bits of my phyllo. they had been done for hours (well, minutes). suckas!

we drank, we chatted. the plates drifted off and soon enough more drifted back on the table. it was appetizer time. our choices:

• liz: tuna tartare with pineapple and celery remoulade, bayonne ham, and local quail egg
  
• LF: escargots bourguignon style, soft polenta with medley of mushroom, confit garlic, and baby onions
  
• the husband: quail confit with pistachios and chutney, winter vegetable slaw, and salad medley
  
• avani: also escargots

before the meal we had debated whether we should stick to our usual practice of not ordering the same thing as anyone else at the table so we can share and try different things. but we were concerned about portion sizes and we did not want to feel like we had to share anything if we really liked it, since we would not have the opportunity to ever have it again. thus the double escargots order. as it turns out, we had nothing to worry about because the portions were huge.

tuna tartare

i had read about the tuna tartare on graham's blog ("my favorite dish of the meal") and i knew i had to have it. well it was the right choice. it was perfectly red, fresh, plump, and rich. the pineapple's sweetness and the creamy remoulade balanced it out perfectly. on top, there was a dried pineapple that was the most amazing thing. it was sweet, spicy, mesquitey. this dish was awesome.

quail

i tried the escargots, which prior to the nose to tail dinner would probably have kind of freaked me out. but after eating lamb brains and heart and thymus, snail seemed straight up ordinary. it was ok but it seemed a little rubbery to me, and not that flavorful. the sauce was really good though, and the polenta was (mom, stop reading) the best polenta i have ever had. cheesy and smooth and light and rich.

escargots

i wish i could tell you about the quail because i am pretty sure i tasted it but i was so focused on my tuna that i can't remember what it was like.

we floated through this course and through our bottle of wonderful wine. the sommelier was great. we had told him that we wanted a bottle of red that would go with a variety of dishes, and gave him a price range of $40-60. he came out with the bottle pictured below and it was delicious. i could not get over this wine. it was delicious and so smooth it was almost velvety. i took a four session wine tasting class back in december and i have not had a really good bottle of wine since then. let me tell you, that class was worth every penny because i so appreciated this wine.

wine

plates were cleared, we drank and chatted, and more plates arrived. the main course. it was so fun because the plates were brought, and then a bunch of people came up with little dishes of sauces and poured them on the dishes. here's what we ordered:

• liz: elk with chocolate demi, apple barley root vegetables, mustard lentil flan, fall chutney
  
• LF: rack of lamb, shallot red wine sauce, dauphinois, bleu cheese flan, braised turnips, lentil mushroom ragout
  
• the husband: skatefish wing with light vinegar sauce, creamy spinach and celery root, horseradish potatoes, trumpet royal
  
• avani: sea scallops, anise lobster cream sauce, napa cabbage with pumpkin couscous, and piopini mushrooms
  

again i took a tip from my food twin graham and asked to order the elk off the five course. william and the chef were totally accommodating. the elk was also totally accommodating. i ordered it medium rare and it was juicy and flavorful. it tasted like a really well marbled grass fed steak, but with a slightly milder flavor. the fall chutney turned out to be a thick jamlike cherry concoction which was perfect with the elk and the slight hint of bitter chocolate. the mustard flan was creamy and thick and the bits of lentil were toothsome. the flavors together were more than the sum of their parts and the textures were so interesting and fun. it was delicious.

elk

i tasted all of the other dishes but again, i was so obsessed with what i was eating that i did not pay them too much attention. LF's lamb was wonderful. the skatefish and the scallops were both a little too salty, but cooked perfectly. and there is very little in this world as satisfying as a big fat perfectly pan seared scallop. crunchy and slightly caramelized on the outside, smooth and cool on the inside. mmmmm.

scallops

we finished our wine and wanted more. we asked for the sommelier, and when he arrived we learned that the restaurant was out of the wine we had just had (i guess that is the risk you take going two days before they close forever), so we asked for another recommendation. "oh, i have the perfect burgundy," he said. "how much is it," i asked. not tactful, i know, but i'm on a budget. the sommelier didn't blink. in fact, he smiled and winked. "i can give it to you for $8 a glass." now that is my kind of price.

lamb

the wine came and it was an absolute delight. i mean it was just amazing. the first wine had been so smooth and complex. the burgundy was like an adventure. i know this sounds cheesy, and maybe i had just had too much to drink at this point already, but it was fascinating. when the wine came, it smelled slightly dank and cinnamony. LF took a sip of my wine and handed it back. i smelled again and it was completely different. i smelled vanilla and cloves and spice. i took a sip. i smelled it again. much more spicy now. i became obsessed with tasting things and then sipping and then smelling and each time it smelled different. i was transfixed by my wine.

LF and avani laughed at me, until avani started sipping and smelling. "oh my god, liz is right! it keeps changing!" she exclaimed. i waved down the sommelier again and told him what was going on. he laughed and explained that this is what "old world wine" does: it changes as the air mixes with it. apparently wines made in europe are this way and this is normal. it was amazing and wonderful and unlike any wine experience i had ever had.

miraculously the desserts appeared on the table. we ordered as follows:

• liz: assortment of domestic and imported cheeses
  
• LF: warm bittersweet chocolate tart with pumpkin ice cream and bourbon caramel sauce
  
• the husband: milk chocolate and macadamia truffle tart with macadamia whipped cream
  
• avani: oatmeal-dark chocolate torte with christian moerlein barbarossa ice cream
  

i am not really a sweets person so i knew the cheese plate was for me. was i ever right. oh my god. never have i had such a spread of amazing cheeses before me. each one was more delicous than the last. there was a sheep's milk, a blue, a cheddarlike cow's milk cheese, a melty buttery something or other on a spoon, and a goat cheese that was almost like cheesecake. and on the sides and bottom were little fruit compotes and sauces to go with them. i tasted every combination possible and they were all so different and so good.

cheese

five cheeses and three fruit sauces. add that into my wine sniffing and tasting and i kept myself busy. i have no idea what was going on at the rest of the table. by the time i looked up, the others were almost finished. i had a tiny bite of something chocolatey and it was good. but i could give up chocolate for the rest of my life and probably not even know the difference. without cheese... i don't think i could survive.

we sipped on our wine and chatted and chatted. william brought us some cookies and chocolates to snack on. our meal had started at 7 and by about 10 we were really tired. we finally asked for the check and it was the icing on the cake: the wine bottle did not appear on the bill. instead, we had been charged for four glasses of wine (we had only ordered three).

pigall's isn't the kind of place that is going to fuck up your bill. clearly this was a gift. i am guessing they were probably not going to be able to do anything with the wine in two days, so why not just let us have it since we had enjoyed it so much? as we marveled over this, one more gift arrived: little grapefruit almond pound cakes wrapped up in cellophane and tied with a bow.

it was a meal which surpassed all but one in my life. the food was wonderful. the service was extremely professional but also friendly. the atmosphere was soothing. the wine was delicious.

but aside from all the sensory delights, i think the people are what made this meal really special. i went with good friends who were fun and hilarious and loved the meal as much as i did. william was funny and accommodating. the sommelier was gracious. and on top of that, we saw a few people we knew at the restaurant. chrissy and erin from cincinnati imports, one of avani's coworkers, LF's friend from her cooking club. we all got up and chatted with people throughout the meal and everyone was in a really good mood.

it's like we all knew it was going to be our last (and for many of us, only) time at pigall's so we all just decided to enjoy ourselves to the fullest. we were sharing an experience that we would never have again. but what a perfect experience to have, even if it was just once.

nose to tail dinner at jeanro bistro

the minute i heard about the nose to tail dinner at jeanro bistro, i became instantly obsessed. i think i first read about it in the enquirer:

Christopher Burns, the chef de cuisine at JeanRo Bistro, has caught the nose-to-tail fever. This philosophy of cooking is about using all of an animal, not just the filet and the other choice muscle meats, but exploiting organ meats, tougher cuts, fattier cuts - pork belly, tongue, brain, heart, sweet breads.

i became fixated on this meal and started talking about it constantly. however, i could not afford it, and i did not know who the hell would want to go with me even if i could. so i just speculatively dissected it at length with whoever would listen.

well apparently the flying spaghetti monster has got my back, because a couple weeks ago this conversation miraculously appeared in my life:
kieran: i have a business proposition.
me: haha.
kieran: no, seriously.
me: ok, what? (note: neither one of us knows anything about business)
kieran: i have to get these bios translated for my trip to chile. it's going to cost a lot. so here is my proposition. if you do it for me, i'll take you to the nose to tail dinner.
me: are you serious?!?!
kieran: i'm serious.
me: oh my god! yes! wow! definitely!

and that is the story of how poor liz with no money who is saving pretty much her entire monthly eating out budget on dinner at pigall's tomorrow night (i have to go before it closes!) got to go to the nose to tail dinner.

ok. i am sorry. can you tell that i am avoiding at all costs actually writing about the dinner? readers, i know i am about to lose you here if i don't get to writing about the food, but please first let me explain myself. i really really really looked forward to this dinner. i mean i was talking about it nonstop before i even knew i was going to it! and the thing is... i don't think i liked it. i have been battling with myself for two days straight to figure out why. i have even been talking to people about how nervous i am about writing about this dinner on my blog.

my dilemma: how can i write about this meal, which was clearly prepared with so much thought and effort, and which involved foods that i was honestly afraid of, and say that i didn't like it? but i didn't. i went into this meal with high hopes but also more than a bit of anxiety, and i did not come out of it reassured. was it my fault for just not being open enough as an eater? or was it really just not that good? i wanted to be able to answer that question before i started writing, but i just don't have an answer. so i have decided that i'm just going to write. judge me as you will.

we will go course by course and i will bare my soul (and my stomach). the meal started at 7 pm on february 23. we drank a few beers ahead of time to calm our nerves and then plunged into the meal.

(note: you could have gotten wine pairings but we didn't. 8 courses of unfamiliar meats seemed like enough. add 8 glasses of wine to that and i don't know what would have happened.)

first course: veal sweet bread torchon with sauce gribiche and celery leaf salad

this was the first course so we started strong, but i was scared. i knew what sweet bread was and i knew i was going to have to actively not think about what it was in order to really focus on the flavors of the dish. i let kieran taste it first. "it tastes like bratwurst. i like it," he said.

so i took a taste. to me it didn't taste like bratwurst. it tasted... bland. and the texture was odd. it was like a coarse pate almost. or homemade play-doh. it sort of stuck together but sort of didn't, and it was all ground up.

the flavor was just blah. that made it hard for me because it made me focus so much on the texture, and all i could think was "body parts in a food processor." as if that wasn't gross enough, apparently sauce gribiche = egg salad. bleah. kieran: "mmmm, sweet breads good." (note: this is foreshadowing)

second course: seared lamb heart with roasted golden beets, apple quince puree, and lovage herb salad

this was probably my hardest dish to get through, partly because i absolutely loathe beets. they are the one food that instantly makes me gag. beets combined with heart seared to barely rare. "how am i going to eat this?" i wondered. i stared at it for a while. it stared back.

i decided to eat a bite of the beet first since honestly it seemed like the less scary option. bad choice. the beet as usual made me gag and then i was even less prepared to put a slice of rare heart in my mouth. not that the heart looked that bad... it looked kind of like beef carpaccio, which i love. i focused on that, closed my eyes, and popped it in my mouth.

kieran liked the heart: "you have to get over the texture and then it's really good. the flavor is very delicate." but i was hung up on texture and the idea of eating heart. it was so weird to chew. it would not break up. it was rubbery almost, without being tough, if that is possible. plus it was so rare it was almost raw. the fact that i had to chew and chew and chew disturbed me. i kept thinking about heart and it kept being in my mouth. then i thought about bloody hearts pumping blood. then i had to stop thinking about that. i was still chewing.

eventually i swallowed it. i told kieran he could have the rest of mine since he liked it so much. he put it in his mouth. "ewww... yours is weird. it's not like mine was. it's super raw. gross."

2 courses down.

third course: corned beef tongue hash with pommes lyonnaise, red wine poached egg and bordelaise

the problem for me at this point was that the earlier two courses had been so hard to get through that i really felt like i needed a break. and yet here was tongue slapping me in the face and calling my sister a whore. my hang up with tongue was that it comes from another creature's mouth. the idea of this organ that spends its life marinating in cow saliva being cooked up and then placed in my saliva really creeped me out. a dead tongue in direct contact with my live tongue. bleah. kieran meanwhile was waxing poetic about his grandma's tongue sandwiches or something.

the good thing about this dish was that it was mostly potatoes. a rich potato hash with tiny slivers of tongue sprinkled throughout and bathed in a thick rich brown sauce, with a poached quail (i think) egg on top. i focused on the potatoes and took a bite. to my surprise, it was delicious. i ate a piece of tongue by itself. it tasted like roasted pork, like you would find in chinese food. it was actually really good and i think i got over my fear of tongue!

we both loved this dish and ate every bite. but... did i love it because it was really good, or did i love it because it wasn't as frightening as the others? in hindsight, i'm not sure.

fourth course: brined and roasted pork belly with spiced oatmeal, henderson compote, and rioja reduction

finally something familiar. i have known and loved pork belly for years, so i was really looking forward to this course. the pork belly was good but not great. tasty and flavorful but slightly tough. henderson compote turned out to be a thick cherry and apple concoction that resembled cranberry sauce.

with this dish, i definitely liked it because it was familiar. comparing it to the scores of other pork bellies i've eaten, it's nowhere near as good. it didn't melt in my mouth, it was kind of tough, and i didn't like the oatmeal with the pork. but it was much better than other things i had eaten earlier on.

palate cleanser: fennel sorbet with champagne gelee

when i think palate cleanser, i think of something that is going to help my tongue relax and take a break from a meal. this fennel sorbet did not do that. it was overpoweringly strong... like taking a shot of ouzo or something. and i am not a fan of ouzo. i hate the flavor of anise and while i do like a little bit of fennel seeds in breads or rolls, it turns out that when you make a sorbet out of fennel it basically tastes like anise. i badly needed a break at this point and the fennel sorbet did not provide it.

champagne gelee... it was bitter, alcohol-ey jello. bleah. the palate cleanser left us on edge.

fifth course: lamb brain ravioli with lamb's head ragout

lamb brain was kieran's downfall. there is no other way to put it. before the meal we had been discussing what we were most scared of eating. for me it was the heart, and for him it was the brain. fortunately we both already had courage. get it? wizard of oz joke? wait, come back! i promise i will never do that to you again.

as i was saying, before the meal we were obsessing over what we most feared and kieran kept going on and on about the brain. maybe my repeated viewings of that nasty brain eating scene in hannibal left me desensitized to the idea of eating brain. but kieran kept talking about "gray matter" and "it's not really meat" and "eating the animal's soul" and all this crazy shit. he could not get over it.

when it came, it was weird. i had expected ground brain in place of ground beef inside a ravioli. what we got was more like a won ton wrapper filled with creamy cheese and bits of green vegetables and carrots. here and there was a tiny speck of something gray. yes, gray. then there was the chunky, gamy, lamby, carroty, lemony ragout.

altogether the flavors and textures were just too much. for me, it was overpowering and just not good. but this dish pretty much broke kieran's soul. he could not deal with it. he somehow managed to eat it all, but at the end he started muttering like a crazy person: "if only i could have actually tasted the brain, then it would be ok... but all that cheese... i don't even know what i was eating... what does brain taste like? if only i could know for sure that the weird flavor was the brain... where was the brain? what does it even look like?"

i pulled out a bit of brain and showed him. he couldn't take it. "ewwww... brain... get it away from me. i think i just threw up in my mouth a little bit. fuuuck... i just ate an animal's soul..." he then pulled out his blackberry and started posting on facebook about how he was eating lamb brains. then he announced that he was burping up sweetbreads and turned kind of green. and then he went outside to smoke a cigarette to calm his nerves.

at this point i am sitting here sipping my beer and i realize oh shit, we still have 3 more courses to go. and it was 9:30.

sixth course: hay scented ham with bacon broth, roasted enoki mushrooms, baby carrots, scallions, and crispy pig's ear

the mushroom was the best part of this course. that may not sound that impressive to you, but then you would need to know that i do not like mushrooms. they do not send waves of nausea over me the way beets do, but i don't like them. that should give you a little insight into this course.

bacon broth tasted to me like pork ramen broth. the ham was a thin square that was brown, flavorless, dry, and reminded me of something i would have found on an elementary school lunch tray. the bits of pig ear were so hard that i was afraid i would break a tooth just trying to chew them. we ate about 2 bites of this and gave up. kieran continued to burp up sweetbreads.

seventh course: 24-hour braised beef short rib with sauteed bone marrow, wheat berry risotto, and parsley salad

finally something else familiar, yet it was not at all comforting. the short rib was unforgivably dry. so dry it was almost beef jerky. i don't even understand how it could be this dry. 24 hours of braising should make that physically impossible. i don't know what happened. aside from the distracting dryness, it was bland.

bone marrow. we had both had it and liked it before. but we didn't like this bone marrow. it was served in a round slice on the plate, removed from the bone. it was like jello and not nearly as soft as it should have been. and it was totally bland.

by the time i got to wheat berry risotto, i just gave up. i was so full and i didn't care anymore. it was 10:30 at night and i wanted to go home and go to bed. at this point kieran announced that he didn't like the sweetbreads or the heart and had simply been deluding himself at the time. then he burped up more sweetbreads and went to smoke another cigarette.

eighth course: smoked honey gelato with spice cake and foie gras cotton candy

ok, seriously. we've been sitting here eating crazy shit for almost four hours at this point. the least we could have gotten is a delicious, rewarding dessert. but it was not to be.

kieran was so tired and emotionally drained by lamb brains and burping up sweetbreads that the minute he saw ice cream, he got really excited and scooped it up and shoved it into his mouth without a second thought... until it hit his tongue. then he was stuck battling with himself, trying not to spit it out.

i was scared watching this but i tasted a bit. the only way i can describe it is that it tasted like someone had taken some perfectly good gelato and poured an entire bottle of liquid smoke into it. straight up disgusting. honestly, this might have been even worse than hearts and brains and sweetbreads. in terms of flavor anyway it was the worst part of the meal. so nasty.

kieran could not even consider touching the foie gras cotton candy. i put a bit in my mouth and it just tasted like cotton candy. the spice cake was fine but by that point my palate and my stomach were begging for mercy. they could not handle one more strongly flavored food item, no matter how familiar it might be.

at 11 pm we finally finished this marathon of a meal. never before had i been exposed to so many challenging food items in one sitting, let alone such a long sitting. as we waited to pay, we noticed some people who had been ooohing and aaahing over the entire meal (they got the wine pairings, which i am convinced did a lot to help them enjoy their meal so energetically). they got up from their table and went into the kitchen.

kieran: why are they going in the kitchen?
me: maybe they are going to thank the chef for the meal.
kieran: we should go talk to the chef too.
me: why? what the hell would we say?
kieran: i would tell him that some of his dishes were ok, and the others just made me want to kill myself.

we left the restaurant completely exhausted. never in my life has a meal been so long and so draining. the sheer length of the meal (4 hours!). the long waits between courses. dish after dish of strangely flavored and textured food items which i just did not really enjoy (for the most part). unsettling preparations of even those foods that should have been familiar and comforting. for me as an eater, it was a test of will and endurance.

however, that does not fully describe why the meal was so challenging for me. what i realized is that the meal also lacked comfort. if i am going to try a bunch of foods that quite frankly i am afraid of, i need to have some rest stops along the way. i can't go for four hours without a break. the palate cleanser should have been a break. it wasn't. the dishes that were familiar (pork belly, short rib, ice cream) should have been prepared well. they weren't. the servers should have been doting. they weren't. the lights should have been dim. they were bright. the dishes should have come out quickly. we waited at least 15 minutes between every course.

i'm still trying to process the meal. i learned that i am an adventurous eater compared to most people, but i am not quite as adventurous as i thought i was. i learned that i like tongue. i learned that 8 courses is too much for me. i learned about the importance of texture in food. i learned about my own mental limitations with respect to my eating.

the nose to tail dinner was not just a meal, it was an experience. it was an entire evening which consumed your senses and your energy. and i just don't think the restaurant was prepared to meet the needs of the diners. but maybe it is me who was not prepared to meet the demands of the meal?

i still don't have any answers, but what i do know is that this was without question one of the most fascinating and challenging meals of my life. despite the fact that i really don't think i liked what i ate, i learned a lot about myself as an eater and i am very glad i had the opportunity to experience the meal.

bouley

ok, i am finally back from my two weeks in michigan and new york. sorry for the long hiatus but i just could not bring myself to get off my lazy ass and blog. now i have so many good meals that i want to write about on here, but i know i am not going to get to them all. so i am starting with the one you all want to hear about, just in case i don't make it to the rest.

in case you don't feel like reading any further, i want to say right now that my meal at bouley is one of the best i have ever had in my entire life. the entire experience was wonderful. all of the food was absolutely delicious. the service was perfect. the atmosphere was beautiful and intimate without being over the top. i felt completely satisfied, comfortable, and relaxed at the end of my meal. it was more than a meal, it was an experience, and i loved every moment of it.

my friends alex and lina took me to lunch at bouley on new year's eve day. it was a little difficult to find the restaurant, because it had moved very recently to a new space and there was no sign, other than this:

this sign was at about waist height, between two christmas trees in pots

a random guy pointed us to the door and we went in. this in itself was fun, because it felt like we were going into a hidden secret place. well we walk in, and the entry is just shelves and shelves of almost too ripe red delicious apples. apples covered the wall. it smelled delicious and it was beautiful. we checked our coats and were led to our table.

i barely made it without running into anything because i was staring at the ceiling, walls, and furniture. it was really interesting. ornate chandeliers covered with colored glass fruits. long, thick, rich fabrics on the windows and doorways. lamps on each individual table. thick, plush couches covered in beautiful fabrics and pillows to sit on. big paintings on the wall. then, in the back room, light blue walls covered with huge paintings of peonies and other asian flowers. very different but equally beautiful. the whole restaurant should have been over the top for my taste but somehow it just worked.

we sat down at our table and started people watching. there was a woman at the table to my left who i could not stop staring at. she was clearly a dedicated oenophile and was studying her wine, sniffing it, taking notes, photographing it. she kept beckoning the sommelier to explain some detail about the wine to her. her interest in and knowledge about wine was just fascinating to me. at other tables, groups of asians took photos of themselves in various positions around their food. older couples who were clearly rolling in cash grazed on oysters, chocolates, and dessert wines.

yet somehow i felt totally comfortable and at home. normally restaurants like this make me feel out of place, but bouley is just not like that. the reason, i think, is the service. there is waitstaff all over (dressed in suits, which i thought made them seem both professional and accessible) who are anticipating your every need before you even think of it, but they are all totally nice and friendly. when i thanked them for pouring me more water or clearing my plate, they would smile and say "you're welcome." when i asked a question about what i was eating, they answered happily and did not make me feel stupid. when i asked for a recommendation about which of the six bread options were offered, the bread guy grinned and told me he would pick a bread for me for each course, and then immediately went off to get more of one of the flavors that he had run out of because that is the one he felt would go most perfectly with what i was eating.

ahh... the bread. all of the breads offered were absolutely delicious. between the three of us we tried fig, olive, whole wheat, apple cinnamon, roasted garlic, and raisin breads. each of them was different in texture and flavor. and you got as much as you wanted! between each course the bread guy came around with more. it was so fun.

alex "no flash photography in restaurants" hu finally caved at the end of the meal. you stay classy, alex!

since it was a special meal, we all decided to go with the tasting menu. for $48, you get five courses, each with a choice between two options. i am going to try to remember as best i can what we had, but unfortunately i do not have a menu so i am sure i am going to forget some things. as you will see, each course had a clear winner. both choices were good, but one was just especially awesome.

for my first course, i got tuna sashimi, which came in a sesame-miso type sauce, with watercress and citrus shavings. it was really good, but nothing compared to the other option. alex and lina both opted for what i think was called a porcini flan with crab. that flan was amazing. i know porcini flan sounds nasty, but the flavor was absolutely beyond imagination. the texture was like a very thick soup. kind of like gravy that has just started to cool and become gelatinous. the flavor was pure umami. i don't know how else to describe it. and the crab was sweet and tender and the perfect complement. completely delicious and i wished i had ordered it, as good as my tuna was.

the second course was a choice between two fish options. i got the baby skate which came with a basil sauce, sweet fresh baby peas, and i can't remember what else. what i do remember is the flavor. and the best way i can describe that flavor is green. it was just the essence of fresh greenness, on sweet tender fish. alex and lina both got the monkfish, which came in a tomato and caper sauce. it was good, but again this course had a clear winner, and it was the baby skate. melt in your mouth tender, buttery, rich, delicious skate, balanced perfectly by the sauce which was the essence of the color green. it's how new grass would taste, if grass was delicious. it was wonderful.

for our third course, alex and i both got the duck. it was cooked a perfect tender medium rare on the inside, and was super crispy and caramelized on the outside, with a thin layer of rich and meltingly soft fat in between. the sauce was rich truffle heaven. i think there may have been something else on the plate but all i can remember is the perfect flavor memory of the juicy, tender duck combined with the crunch of the salty sweet skin all melting together with the fat and the truffle sauce. and the portion size was so huge that i just ate and ate and ate. as for lina's chicken, it was prepared in some type of buttermilk and citrus sauce. it was so juicy and tender that it seemed almost like it may have been poached. however, after the rich and complex flavors of my duck, it tasted pretty bland so i really can't comment on it too much.

the fourth course was a palate cleanser. rich, sweet coconut ice cream melting into a pool of sour yogurt with a few tangy passionfruit seeds on the side. it was a taste combination unlike anything i had ever experienced, and it was delicious. i have no way of describing it other than to say that it was truly a party in your mouth. and at the same time, it was so light and sweet and yet also bitingly fresh that it just cut through all the richness of the previous courses and left you ready for dessert... which after the heaping plate of rich duck i hadn't thought was possible.

our final course was dessert. both choices involved a selection of desserts. alex and lina went for the chocolate desserts, and i chose the fruit and nut selection. theirs was clearly the better choice... they got little piles of creamy, delicious, not too sweet ice cream and a baby chocolate souffle. my assortment was strange, and the only thing i really enjoyed was the "ten exotic fruits sorbet" (which tasted strongly of passionfruit and mango, both of which i love). the almond flan topped with gooseberries may have been good, but i'm not a fan of almond flavored sweets. the sauteed banana was more mush than anything. the banana mousse tasted exactly like duck fat, which totally turned me off (lina tasted it too and felt the same way). the white chocolate mousse was overly rich. however, i have to say, i am not a dessert person and always prefer the savory, so maybe i am not the best judge.

with our desserts we also ordered coffee, and were rewarded not only with a silver tray with many sugar options (cubes, chunks, crystals, and rock candy sticks), but also two multi-tiered platters with little bonbons, chocolate candies, cookies, meringues, homemade fruit gummies, and other treats. by that point, i was so full and so tired of sweets that i really did not eat much, but it was really fun in terms of the visual experience of having such a pretty little selection of sweets on the table. we relaxed and chatted over our coffee for a long time, just enjoying the atmosphere, the people watching, and each other's company.

lina and me with the desserts and the sugars

finally, three and a half hours later, after course after course of amazing food, excellent service, and interesting conversation, we finally got ready to face the real world again. i felt so completely sated and relaxed. i can't remember the last time a meal had such a soothing effect on me. as we waited for our coats, one of the staff members was replacing some of the overly ripe apples. he took one look at us, smiled, and said, "i am going to pick an apple for each of you." then, after looking through the pile for just the right ones, he gave us each a fresh apple to take home. we put on our coats, opened the door, and walked outside. snow was falling softly. dusk was just setting in. i squeezed the apple in my pocket and felt completely at peace with the world.

my lunch at bouley was the perfect way to close 2008, and it was an experience i will never forget. thank you lina and alex!

playing catch up (ketchup?)

ok so my life has been insane lately. i went through this whole thing where i was all crabby because i was like "my life is so boring." think back, if you will, to oh say maybe march 25, 2008. yeah. anyway, so what happened is the same old shit that always happens... soon enough my life suddenly got way too ridiculous way too fast. i haven't had a moment to think in like a month. basically every aspect of my life has been turned completely upside down.

i have been through the widest spectrum of emotions in the past month or so that i can remember in recent history (and possibly ever). i have made new friends, lost old friends, completely redefined existing relationships, and had more than a few ghosts from my past march back into my life. people have gotten sick and other people have gotten better. i have gotten sick and then better. work is insane. i have done countless things i would never have even considered doing before, sometimes because i had to and sometimes because i just felt like it, and did not even think twice. i feel like i am a completely different person and i am not even sure who that person is. i know it is obnoxious (not to mention super drama queenish) to write shit like that and then not tell you specifics, but this is my blog dammit and i am sorry but you are just going to have to deal with it.

today beth t. and i went camping and it started pouring and we didn't have a rain tarp. we were sitting there in the car waiting for it to stop raining and it didn't so we finally just gave up and went home (we were only about an hour away). now it is saturday night and i am sitting here on my couch in my underwear, drinking warm beer and watching 48 hours mystery, and thinking to myself "my life is so boring." dammit, when will i learn?

if only i had cable this whole annoying self-reflective scenario could be avoided. there's nothing like a flavor of love marathon to save me (and you) from myself. anyway, to make up for my lack of posts, i'm going to do a couple mini reviews for you guys to keep you happy.

nuvo (in florence, ky): somewhat creative but not really all that good food, tiny portions, overpriced, weird ass decor (it's a "renovated" pizza hut), annoyingly over the top service (it's florence y'all for fuck's sake). don't go there.

greenup st. cafe: ok food, great atmosphere (especially the garden), laid back service, good prices... and they actually know how to make iced coffee. go there.

lavomatic: still horrifically bad service and still hit or miss food; however, great patio. go there at your own risk.

(note to jean robert: i'm so over you)

arthur's (in hyde park): $6 burgers on sun-tues nights, awesome garden, who cares about the service, good beer selection. definitely go there.

financial update: so i thought my economic stimulus check got deposited back in late april, when $600 showed up suddenly in my checking account. well on like wednesday of last week i randomly got a $600 check from the US treasury. "eureka!" i exclaimed. "it came twice!" i wanted to run to the bank to deposit it immediately before the feds caught on. however, after a little sleuthing i realized i had actually just transferred $600 from my savings to my checking on that fateful april day and then had instantly forgotten that i had done that. so it turns out i didn't get economically stimulated twice after all. still, i am able to pay rent this month. yay!

anyway, moral of the story (aka why you should care): my biannual financial crisis was narrowly averted thanks to george w. so now i can continue to eat out to my heart's content until early december, when i will once more freak out and start consuming a diet consisting solely of ramen and bananas until january 1 rolls around.

lavomatic

i am going to join the cincinnati food blog bandwagon and write about lavomatic. i am sorry to say that i think i got myself a little too excited. yes readers, i was disappointed! but i partly blame myself for this.

let's start with the space. it's pretty and open and casual while also being stylish. long and skinny, exposed brick and apple green paint and wood floors. colorful "gateway quarter" mural on the wall. i liked all that.

the interior of the restaurant

the food... it was really not exactly up to par. the coffee was weak, flavorless, and lukewarm. i ordered the eggs benedict, which came on toast with some type of prosciutto-like ham, i forget what it was called, and a blueberry sauce on top. it was really yummy and i enjoyed it. there was also fruit salad which was fine but nothing exciting. it was the same melon/pineapple/grape mix that everyone else in town serves.

eggs benedict... yummy!

celia's meal was disappointing. she ordered the lemon ricotta pancakes. at first they tasted ok, nothing special, but you did get the bite of lemon zest. but then after a few chews they had this really gross, bitter aftertaste. she even asked the waiter about it. he is like, "oh that's the lemon zest." i was like "no, we tasted the lemon zest, we are talking about the bitter aftertaste." he acted like we were dumb and didn't know what lemon zest tastes like and just kind of shrugged and wandered off.

celia with the weird pancakes

here's the thing... i've had lemon ricotta pancakes several times before at other restaurants (not in cincinnati) and they have never had that kind of weird bitter aftertaste. celia thought maybe the flavor was clove, but i didn't taste that at all. i did a lot of thinking on this and here's what i came up with... i think whoever zested the lemons did a bad job and got a bunch of the gross white pith in there too. that has a really bitter flavor and is the only explanation i can come up with.

at any rate, the pancakes tasted so weird that she really did not eat much. at the end of our meal, a waitress came by to take her plate and asked, "didn't you like your pancakes?" celia said no and again talked about the bitter aftertaste. the waitress was like "oh" and walked off. no apologies, no offers to bring her something else, nothing.

anyway that is a good segue into the service... it kind of sucked. the waiter was apathetic and not attentive. we stalked him for about 10 minutes to get more drinks and i was not able to get even one fill up on the weak coffee until after i had finished my entire meal. and the whole basically not even caring that celia's food tasted weird lost him more points.

when i ate at chalk about a month ago, i experienced a similarly disinterested server. i don't get it, jean robert. you care so much about the food you serve... why not hire servers who feel the same way?

the prices were good. i think i paid $14, including tax and tip. after we ate we took a little tour of the place and went upstairs to scope out the patio which sadly, since it was a warm, sunny morning, was not open. boo.

hopefully they open the patio soon

anyway, as i said, lavomatic did not meet my expectations. i think this is partly because i got myself overly excited about it. but also this apathetic service that i keep finding at jean robert places is totally disconcerting. one of the things i love so much about places like honey and slim's is that the waiters love food as much as i do. it makes me sad that jean robert's servers don't have that same excitement. it also makes for a less enjoyable dining experience.

i will definitely try lavomatic again, probably for dinner next time. i feel like there is a lot of potential and of course i love wine bars. it just opened not too long ago, so i'm hoping the glitches will get worked out over time.

chimichurri, visitors, cooking, and honey

becca sent me an awesome sounding chimichurri recipe which i will share with all of you. you can thank me (or her) in cash. boys, she's single. from becca:

I found a recipe for Chimichurri sauce...it was delicious. Although not as delicious as at that steak place :)

1 bunch parsley (about 1 cup firmly packed), chopped
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
3/4 cup olive or vegetable oil
1/4 cup white vinegar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper

In blender or food processor, place all ingredients. Cover and blend on high speed until will blended. Cover and refrigerate 2 hours.

in other news, i have been very busy entertaining guests. heather was here 2 weekends ago and we mostly went to places i have already written about i think (song long, jean ro bistro, beth and jim's house... good luck getting reservations there).

heather at jean ro bistro... she showed that chicken who was boss

then this past weekend bryan was here. we mostly cooked but we did go to green papaya (a neighborhood thai place in hyde park/oakley which offers tasty and fresh food, a fun atmosphere, an excellent selection of seafood options, and quirky service... in other words a typically good cincinnati thai place) and honey (one of the best restaurants in cincinnati).

bryan gives honey thumbs up. he had the citrus glazed salmon special. it came with lobster ravioli and had yummy wasabi roe on top. mmmm...

my lamb was amazing... it came with lentils and string beans and had a delicious coffee sauce

with honey you just can't go wrong. the food (which changes seasonally) is awesome, the service is always attentive, knowledgeable, and friendly, the prices are totally reasonable, and the atmosphere is both sophisticated and low key. if you have not been, go there immediately.

anyway, as i said, we cooked most of our meals. bryan told me before he came that he wanted to cook which made me happy of course. plus he did all the dishes!

food lessons learned during bryan's visit:

• fresh pesto > frozen pesto (even when homemade)
  
• cooking chicken to the "recommended temperature" makes for a dried out piece of crap instead of a meal... salmonella here i come
  
• excellent guacamole becomes life-alteringly awesome when sun dried tomatoes are added
• the proper pinkish white sauce for fish tacos remains elusive (any recipe recommendations?)
• i am a kick ass griller (oh wait, i already knew that one)

here are the best recipes from the weekend:

the best guacamole ever

4 ripe but not rotten avocados (avocado ripeness is KEY to this recipe)
2 or 3 cloves of garlic, minced
1/4 to 1/2 sweet onion, chopped or minced (depending on your preference)
juice of 1 to 3 limes (again depending on your preference)
chopped fresh cilantro (enough to make it taste good which is about 1/8 to 1/3 of a bunch, depending on the size), washed, stems removed, and chopped
EITHER 1 or 2 chopped, seeded tomatoes OR about 4 oz. chopped sun dried tomatoes
plenty of salt

peel and pit the avocadoes (i usually do this by quartering the avocadoes, sticking my knife in the pit, pulling it out, and then pulling the skins off). put them in a bowl. squeeze some lime juice over them. add garlic and onion and salt and mash up. add cilantro and mix. then add tomatoes and mix. taste for salt and lime and add more if necessary. i rely very much on my taste when making this. serve with whatever or just eat it with a spoon. bryan called the sun dried tomato version "crack on steroids." mmmmm...

grilled tuna

i know this recipe seems silly but i include it for the grill novice who does not understand how simple and easy and within your reach excellent rare grilled tuna is. and if you don't want it rare, just cook it longer (but that is kind of missing the point in my opinion).

2 albacore tuna steaks
juice of 2 to 4 limes (and/or lemons)
4+ garlic cloves, minced
salt

mix the lime juice, garlic cloves, and salt. marinate the tuna for 5-10 min per side. turn the grill on high. once the grill is hot, either baste a little oil on the grill or drizzle it on the tuna steaks. grill the steaks for 2-3 min. per side. use a spatula to flip them so you don't break them apart. take them off the grill and let them rest under foil for about 15 min. slice against the grain. eat. die of happiness.

once you make this, which really is excellent just as it is, you can mess around with the marinade ingredients. you can try other citrus juices, or soy sauce/hoisin sauce/black bean sauce, or add some spices like chinese 5 spice powder or cayenne or ginger. the possibilities are endless!

what we did with our tuna was make it into tacos, but since we didn't love the pink sauce we made, it may have been better to eat the tuna on its own or in a salad.

happy eating!

jean ro bistro

i have very little to say other than EAT THERE IMMEDIATELY. everything was perfect: the menus (both food and wine), the actual food and wine themselves, the service, the ambience, the prices. matt and i went a couple weeks ago while he was here on his crazy bike ride across the country in order to try to relive our le sans souci days in astoria and we were absolutely in love with the place.

matt's duck ($23) was perfectly medium rare, tender, and the sauce was delicious.

matt's duck

i got the mussels ($15) which were not sandy (a surprisingly common and easily avoidable phenomenon) and were cooked in a perfect white wine/butter/garlic sauce, and came with delicious fries (totally insignificant complaint: they were a little thicker than i would have ideally liked). matt picked the wine (approx $30) and i can't remember anything about it other than that it was red, french, and delicious.

my mussels

matt's eating up until that point in his riding his bike across the country mainly consisted of protein bars, chocolate milk, and roadkill, but he is one of the most discerning french food connoisseurs i know so you should have full faith in his rating of jean ro bistro.

matt eisenberg seal of approval

anyway, as i said, you totally have to eat there as soon as possible. definitely one of the best restaurants i've been to in cincinnati and the prices are very reasonable.