and the worst restaurant in cincinnati award goes to... cadillac ranch

before i begin this post, in the interest of full disclosure, i would like to let you all know that i am 15 hours, 18 minutes, and 32... 31... 30... seconds away from running in the flying pig half marathon. this is the first time i have ever run in any race other than middle school track meets, let alone a long race, and that combined with the weekend's forecast of all rain, all the time, kind of has me on edge. add in an extra level of personal and work stresses which i have had going on and you have super crabby liz just itching for a fight.

so it is with total bitchy relish, to a degree that is slightly undeserved (if i am being totally honest), that i am about to tear cadillac ranch a new one. but i figured you guys would enjoy going along for the ride. and it's not like anyone is going to feel sorry for them.

most of my awesome running group at the entrance to the flying pig expo

i do not eat at cadillac ranch. i went there once when it first opened and ate the blandest, most boring deep fried array of overpriced crap you can imagine. the patio was nice but the service sucked and the food tasted like deep fried cardboard. the drinks were overpriced and the crowd (juiced up meat heads and orange colored anorexics) freaked me out. i didn't swear it off completely until the whole midpoint fiasco back in september (recap: cadillac ranch backed out of midpoint music festival on the day of the festival and refused to allow bands to play at the very last minute, with no apology or explanation other than that it wasn't bringing in enough people as their usual crotch grinding, beer spilling type dj music).

i already thought the place sucked and although i'm definitely not the world's biggest music fan, i just thought that was bullshit and swore i would never spend another penny there.

fast forward to last night. i was with some of my running friends and we were planning to have dinner at rock bottom after the flying pig expo. we got there and the wait was an hour and 15 minutes for eight of us. we were starving and we considered our options. cadillac ranch was suggested. i voiced my dissent but i didn't want to be That Girl Who Ruins It For Everyone so i agreed to just go there when it seemed that is what the group wanted to do.

things started off promisingly. we were seated immediately when we arrived at about 7:00 and our server brought us the drinks we requested. we put in our food orders (several appetizers and entrees for everyone). the appetizers came after about a half hour or so and were large and tasty. we chatted and enjoyed ourselves in the slowly cooling spring evening weather.

then everything went to shit.

it got to be about 8:15 and we began wondering where our food was. up to that point, we hadn't minded waiting because it was a nice night and we had good company. however, we were really hungry and we all planned to go to bed early to start resting up for the race on sunday. we had all had it drilled into our heads that friday night was the most important night for sleep (since we would be too excited and stressed to sleep well on saturday). our waitress came by right then and let us know that she had messed up and forgotten to take a requested item off of julie's pizza. julie said that was fine. the waitress said, "your order will be right up."

this is how i look when i get really hungry

about ten minutes later, some food appeared. what came was one salad and one burger with fries. we should have had six more meals coming. after about another ten minutes, we encouraged the lucky recipients to eat their food and we began looking for our waitress. she was nowhere to be seen. jenny went looking for her.

at about 8:45 the waitress reappeared and announced some bad news. "the kitchen forgot to make the rest of your food. i had to put the burger and salad on a different ticket but for some reason they don't have your other order." she was unable to tell us when, or even if, we were going to get the rest of our food and she disappeared again.

at this point things were getting bad. we were extremely hungry and thirsty (she was no longer bringing us water regularly). on top of that, the sun had set and we were really cold. soon the waitress came back with the manager. the manager explained that our order had gotten messed up but that they were making our food right now. "how long will it take? 10 or 15 minutes?" asked steve. "oh, less than that, and it is all on me," assured the manager.

at 9:00 a waiter arrived with three things: the two appetizers we had already had, and the burger and fries that had been eaten. "where is the rest of it?" we demanded. "i don't know," said the waiter. when he realized that this food was not what we were waiting for, he began walking away with the food. "wait, wait," we begged. "we will eat it. we don't care. we're starving."

a couple at another table was looking on hungrily. we found out they had been waiting for their food just as long and had not even gotten appetizers. we pleaded with the waiter to give the food to them. instead of giving any of us the food, the waiter walked away with it.

by this point we were starting to go a little crazy. a homeless woman walked up and asked for money. "no, sorry," we said. "please?" she asked. "look we're hungry too!" moaned nathalie. the poor woman slinked away. it was horrible but hilarious. nathalie felt so bad that she later gave the woman money.

just before nathalie bitched out an innocent homeless woman

at about 9:15 no food had appeared. we could not wait any longer. we were famished and we had to eat and go to bed. our success in sunday's race depended on us eating and then getting to bed as soon as possible. i went to the bathroom, where the poor bathroom attendant (who i refused to tip) made the mistake of asking me how my evening was going and got an angry tirade in return.

as we were leaving the manager reappeared. he tried to get us to stay but we refused. at this point, in a show of grandiosity, he urged us to take two $50 gift cards. yes. two $50 gift cards are supposed to appease eight ravenous, parched, exhausted, anxiety ridden people who have been waiting for shitty food for two hours and fifteen minutes.

i reached my breaking point. i was really proud of myself for keeping my cool for so long but it was more than i could take. $12.50 worth of shitty food at your joke of a restaurant at some future date is supposed to compensate me for two hours and fifteen minutes of hell??? that is not even enough to cover the cost of an entree. insult to injury. go fuck yourself, cadillac ranch.

i stormed up to him as he pleaded for forgiveness. "stop talking," i said. "just stop talking. we do not want your gift certificates. we want food. we are starving and freezing and we are running a half marathon on sunday and the longer you keep talking, the longer it is going to take for us to get some food. we are tired and hungry and we just want you to leave us alone." i turned my back and stormed towards chipotle. he kept rambling but i have no idea what he was saying.

thank you chipotle for not fucking me in the ass

within ten minutes i was enjoying a delicious and satisfying steak burrito bowl at chipotle. my rage had not subsided but at least my hunger was abating. and it was time to put the whole cadillac ranch nightmare behind me and focus on my race. i consoled myself by thinking that, despite spending over 2 hours hating my life in cadillac ranch hell, i still had managed not to waste a penny there.

readers: avoid this place at all costs. and if we have a nuclear holocaust and cadillac ranch is the last place on earth left to eat, i suggest that you also avoid me because i am going to try cannibalism before i set foot in that hell hole ever again.

(all photos courtesy of julie)